The Result of Perpetual Motion

Today was a fabulously full day of many accomplishments.

First of all, it was my second to last day of school before FINALS! Ahhhh… finally the finale.

Also, it was 97 degrees today and I managed to take my little bra off from underneath my top while reading the newspaper at school, since it wasn’t quite necessary and was only making me hot.

Then I went and worked out at an all womens gym, and now youre thinking “WOW Erika’s gone craazy next she’s going to burn her bra’s and fight the federal government!” But no.

I really enjoyed the womens club, quite honestly. Not overly hormonal, muscle men to hit on me, and i can just run my little heart out in peace.

Then I had my first day at Moondoggie’s, it was AWESOME. LOVE IT. Working full time is’nt going to be so bad…

My bunny licked me for a good 30 seconds today, and he ate a frozen strawberry. And Chad and Britien are passed out on my floor while McKenna and I watch Sex and the City and I LOVE MY ROOMMATE, we’re having a sleep over tomorrow. Complete with wine and pedicures. And sugar. And giggles and pillow fights. Tee Hee

Leah, one of my best friends in the whole wide world, highlighted a point I hadn’t considered:

“…you are so passionate and personal and committed to all of the relationships you make in your life. and an animal or a pet doesnt reciprocate that. sure they give you love, and they cuddle, but erika, youre so much deeper than that. its a one sided bond between a human and an animal. youve never been one to buy into relationships that are sugary sweet on the surface and nothing more. you strive for a deeper connection. i think that is why you neglected a little bunny who was soft and cute. nothing more.
i think you will make an incredible mother because you will get to communicate on such a deeper level. you get to put yourself and everything you know into raising your children!
I know you are going to be the BEST mama. “

It’s so awesome when someone says something that genuinely cheers you up. None of the fake, “Oh gee thanks you’ve not made me feel the slightest bit consoled.” None a that. Thank you Leah, darling.

Today I went on a run to clear my head… I waved to the neighbor boys as i took off, struggling with my iPod headphones (damn things never stay in my ears.) I ran up the ridge behind my house and then did 6 long, fast hill repeats. When I ran back to my place, panting and pink on the face, the boys said they had a surprise for me. (”The boys” are, alphabetically: Adam, Britien, Chad & Zach.) Britien’s face looked so excited as i followed him into the house, up the stairs at which point I stopped. I thought I knew what it was, but I tried not to think what I was thinkin’ since if I thought it, and it wasn’t true (how could it be true??) I would feel really let down. I just stood there as he and Adam pulled back the curtains to reveal my bunny. Sampson, alive.

How could it be??! I don’t understand… there is no explaination for this. He survived a week without food or water after either jumping off a balcony (which I don’t think happened) or after escaping the mighty talons of a screech owl or a hawk. I don’t know. It’s a miracle, this bunny is a miracle so I have to keep it and love it with all of my might.

After the boys pulled back the curtain, honestly, a million different things were racing through my mind and I sort of got teary eyed and had to take a minute. I raced to pick up my paycheck and get to Petco so that I could give my bunny a warm bed before dark. He’s resting right now. He seems pretty traumatized, but so happy in his new purple cage. And that water bottle! I never knew how much bunny’s actually loved those little water bottles. Petco even added a turtle to float on the inside of the bottle for aesthetic value. I bought him some treats and a kilo of saw dust and I’m going to make sure he’s completely and totally healthy and clean and organic and loved.

Britien, I’m sorry you sustained a scratch while rescuing Sampson. And I’m sorry I cleaned up the bunny poo and put it in your ash tray… it’s just, you guys were joking about cooking him for dinner and since you can’t do that I thought I’d give you a lil’ somethin’ to remember him by. A million times, thank you for rescuing my bunny.

So. Anyway, I’m the happiest girl in the world. That monkey is gone, and my baby is back : )

I woke up abruptly in a fever this morning, my body sticky with sweat and my heart hurting. I felt this deep sense of grief, I felt like crying. And moments after I wondered why I wanted to sob, why I felt so carved out and empty, I remembered my dream.

This is really fucked up, this dream I had and I’ve been thinking about it all day. It’s haunting me and I’ll never forget it as long as I live. How can something that never really happened except for in the caverns of my midnight mind have such a resounding effect on me and the rest of my life.

Since Sampson died, I’ve been having a few dreams per night about losing something after I’ve neglected it. They’ve alerted me that there’s something much greater behind this bunny than the situation might initially convey.

I’ve only ever felt apathy toward animals. It’s always sort of been a joke in my family… “Erika can never remember to feed the cat’s!” and my mom alllllways had to remind me time and again not to forget to let the dog in the house, and she even gave my cat away because she knew i wouldn’t really mind either way.

This is something that I’m ashamed about. I hate that I have been this way. I’m a loving, passionate, considerate person toward (most) humans. Why do I become so selfish toward animals? It is a selfishness that I want to be able to correct. My biggest fear is the reflection this might have for raising my children someday. Among all the things I want to do and become in my life, I’ve always know that above all else (undoubtedly)… raising a few amazing children and being the best mom that I can possibly be is my purpose in life. Underneath almost every decision that I make, I’m already considering my children. This might seem strange or difficult to understand, but I live my life striving to be the best possible person so that I can be the best possible mother. And the thought that I can’t even care for an animal unravels fears that I wouldn’t be able to care for a child someday.

Sampson the bunny became this ascribed symbol, without even myself realizing it, of a pivotal change that I craved for; learning to have feelings for an animal. I want to care for and love something, but humans are quick tempered and unpredictable with their emotions, so why shouldn’t and why wouldn’t I be able to truly love an animal? These were my thoughts and hopes. I loved Sampson, but I still neglected him. I failed to notice what he was blatantly expressing. And so I lost him.

These dreams I’ve been having for the past few days touch on these fears I’ve just elaborated about. And my dream last night was so vivid an symbolic I’ve been really, deeply effected by it.

I dreamt that I was hiking somewhere beautiful near my home and I felt really happy, and all of a sudden I came across this beautiful baby in a beautiful basket. The baby was naked and warm and she wasn’t crying, just looking at me with these huge, amazing brown eyes and this calm face and I fell in love immediately. The child was remarkable. I had to care for this baby, it became my child in my mind. I was going to raise this baby. My thoughts never considered that I should take the baby home with me. We belonged out there, together. So i ran home to bring things back for the baby and for me, and when I returned a big ugly monkey with stringy brown hair and an evil face was devouring it violently right in front of me and the child was screaming and that’s when I woke up.

It makes me cry whenever I think about it, and I can’t seem to really erase it from my mind if i’m not being productive at work or doing something that consumes my thoughts. This post is sort of written in the midst of my grief about it, and I don’t have anything further to say except for I hope I see that happy baby alive and well in my dreams tonight.

This is about to be a lengthy blog post, it’s been a few days since i last wrote and I apologize about that. I’m going to start five days ago and give you the highlight reel of my recent escapades…

Last tuesday my friend Chad and I threw his brother a surprise birthday party, something I had never done before and I have to admit that I took enormous satisfaction from it. I baked a cheesecake and an apple pie, which nearly parished in the back of the oven because I anxiously forgot to push the shelf in… and then my roommate watched me have a panic attack because I’m kind of a perfectionist when it comes to things like that and I had worked so hard on it! Alas, everything was okay. It was slightly dry, but it had a big “A” on it. A for Adam.

I got another job at a surf shop called Moondoggies. It’s awesome, and the people that work there are SO coool. I was late for my interview too, since my car battery died. That’s a whole other story! So annoying. Anyway, I have 2 jobs now and I’ll soon be working 7 days a week, but I have to in order to go to Boston to see where my sister lives!

Last night Zach, Britien and I went on a road trip. I got Saturday off of work, and it’s the last day I wont work for a while so we did a quick mish down to Santa Barbara to visit Lauren. I haven’t partied in a few weeks but I sort of made up for that… I raged it to this awesome band (they played reggae and Rage covers) and Lauren and I jumped in the ocean and it was just an all around eventful night.

I’m watching the movie Finding Neverland and it’s pure magic. I’m totally crying right now, this movie is amazing. It’s just so sad, I mean really. Tragedy. Poor Tinker Bell, it’s just so sad. I’m sobbing!…

Also, my bunny died. Here’s the story: He’s been living out on the balcony because we didn’t have a cage for him and he couldn’t stay inside since he makes a mess, so he lived on our balcony. Yes, in retrospect it was very thoughtless. I’m feel horrible about it. So, the bunny was really annoying at night time. He would flip out and run around and scratch on the sliding glass door as if he wanted to get in. The morning my roomie and I decided the bunny had to be taken to the shelter, we found that it was gone. It disappeared off the second floor balcony because and owl carried it away, and that’s what the bunny was trying to tell us. And I didn’t listen. This is terrible, and I just really feel very, very guilty about it.

Sampson, I’m so sorry.

“Speak truth to power.” Read John Steinbeck, listen to Coldplay.

I just FREAKED OUT by myself in my house because Coldplay is so FREAKING AMAZING and their new album is coming out SO SOOON and tickets are going on sale SOOO SOOON!!!!!! And their new song is SO FUCKING GOOD AND THERE”S A SONG CALLED LOVERS IN JAPAN AND I CAN”T CONTAIN MYSELF RIGHT NOW.

I’ve just gone from crying to laughing in a matter of minutes.

Dear Mom,

I know how much you wish I could have been home for Mothers Day to cuddle with you and watch movies and cook a nice dinner. I wish that I could be there too. I really miss you and I hope that you had a beautiful Mothers Day, full of mimosas and pancakes and those delicious fresh diced strawberries that I can never get enough of.

I hope that today everyone told you what an amazing mother you are. I know that they did, because you are. Everyday I feel blessed and thankful of the things you’ve taught me, from pie crust to perfume, about self-discovery and challenge. I know this year has been a struggle and I promise you it’s all going to feel better really soon.

Look at the 3 beautiful girls you raised, and bask in the feeling! It’s glorious. Step back from the microscope and enjoy the larger picture. There are flaws but they are crazy/beautiful flaws that only contribute to the beauty of our life. We are so lucky. We are so lucky to have you as our mother. When I think of you right now I see all of us and Stormy on Doran beach, hair soaking wet and salty from the ocean, noses runny, with huge grins on our faces. We’re listening to Morcheeba, eating sandwiches on sliced sourdough in our dry, warm clothes. And I’m 10 years old thinking how cool my surfer mom is. Ah! Heaven, absolute heaven.

I love you so much, Mom.

Always,

Erika

Rashell, Bryanne, and Leah are here and I feel like the happiest girl in the entire world.  I was this sort of happy on my 17th birthday…

This is my gorgeous sister Claire, who’s mind is still more beautiful than her smile…

This is Sampson, the bunny that is the love of my life.

Me and my super cool friend McKenna :[]

I hope she’s not weirded out I put this up, but this is my bff Eva and I foud this picture on her computer just now and I think it’s too DANG cute not to post!

The infamous GK, my best friends in the whole wide.

Right now it’s one in the morning and I’m sitting here watching Rob and Big re-runs, petting my bunny. I love this bunny a lot. To be honest, this bunny has really begun to mean a lot to me. I wuv my bunnykins… wittle bunbun

Tonight I turned down 2 invites and opted to stay home, in my pj’s to spend the evening with myself. I swear there can’t be anything much more inspiring than a nice, long, hot shower devoted to yourself.

Tomorrow Rashell and Leah are coming to visit me! It’s just what the doctor ordered!!! “people lemme tell ya ’bout muh beeeest friend” aw yeah, well theyre coming tomorrow and I can’t wait. I’m around people that seem to like me, but well…. I dunno. You’re never quite sure, since time is the only test and all. These girls have stood the test of time. God I love them.

And there are less than 4 weeks until my sister comes. OHHHHHHHHHH!!! Oh my goodness. Oh my gooooooood nesssssss.

I hope she can meet my bunny. I might not be able to keep it! NO!
I have an idea: my mom, my sisters and I could steal the old bunny hutch from my childhood home. I know that we could. For real, this is on like Donkey Kong. I got the bunners, we got the truck, I feel like that house is still my domain, this bunny hutch is in the bag and badda bing, we got our new bunny set-up. It’ll be Project Bunnykins and I’m making t-shirts. What do ya say mama?? REally tho, how fun would that be? And that stupid liar woman who bought the house isn’t using the backyard, period. We can do this!

I’m gunna go to bed tho. I’m waking up to work out hardcore before the beach with aims on our day off.

PS- people should comment my blog more. It’s better than mail or a nice note left on your windshield. Make me happy

I’m gunna write this really quickly. Sometimes I tell myself that, but it ends up taking an hour to write a post that I feel happy with. Damn, I just started sneezing again!! This sucks, seriously. I sneezed all day throughout work yesterday, and then I sneezed all throughout a hyphy shinndig that I went to. I also got pulled on stage and legitimately danced with Traxamillion.

Right now I’m sipping a protein fruit smoothie that should hopefully hold me over until about 3 o clock when I get my first break at work. I’m going to ride my bike to work today… I’d also like to go for a jog and paint my nails before work, but i pressed the snooze button waaay too many times and now I don’t have time to do those things. Well, actually… I’m gunna try. So that means I have to go, I have to finish.

Last thing I wanted to say is that… I’m happy to know that my care about the opinions others have of me was probably a lot smaller than your average last night since I danced, in a circle, by myself (but not for long) in front of a venue 1/2 full of SLO hyphy kids, and also the 4 boys across the street, one of whos opinion I used to care a great deal about. Granted, I still care too much about opinions of others while at a nice restaurant or dinner party. Always have, always will. I’m sure.

…and so it begins.

My sister comes in 28 days, and this is about to be a crAAAzy month.

Tomorrow morning I’m waking up early like I used to about a month ago or so. I have hard boiled eggs in the fridge and I’m breaking out the protein powder and miso soup… i’m whippin’ it good. I’ve put on a couple.

My mom called me today and told me she thought I needed her, and said that she’d come down this weekend if she was right about that. I don’t know if I need my mommy or not! I have a hard time accepting support and asking for help. She knows that, so I think thats why she offered so nicely… I guess sometimes we all need our mommys.

The boys across the street are drinking but I’m going to bed, tired, sober, and naked and it feels so gooood.

What am I doing right now? What do I write? I have no idea. What is the matter with me…
I’m freting… I’m nervous about nothing. I’m sleepless for no apparent reason. I should feel exhausted right now, I’ve not been able to nod off until about 3 am or later the past few nights, and then I wake up before my alarm goes off. I don’t take naps Ashley I swear! I don’t. I’ve been exercising too… and yet I remain here, awake. Usually insomniacs look like this guy named Ashor that I used to know from Starbucks. Hair messy, eyes dark, face colorless, unfriendly, unhappy, unresponsive… It’s silly that I try to hard to maintain inconspicuous about my insomnia. I mean, I can say I haven’t slept, and maybe I don’t seem quite my cheery self, but who would really guess that the night before I had 3 or 4 hours? And also the night before that and the night before that. Or… maybe, I don’t fool anyone. Just don’t tell me that i look tired. The only thing worse than being tired is to be told you look it.

Today Eva and I went to see Amy play in her softball game and it made me really miss team sports.

I’ve been missing a lot of things lately… My sisters, my parents, Japan (a lot, actually. And I never thought I would miss it either…) I miss my Grandma a lot, too. Humboldt County… And I feel nostalgic for a lot of people.  And the wonderful thing is that as I miss them, they’ve been contacting me.  Hugo, Maria, Hunter, Max, there are more I know there are…

My actions lately have been desperate. I’ve never been one to appear desperate (even in the slightest) and I HATE this turn of events. I hate not knowing why I’m doing what I’m doing, or feeling the way that I feel. I must know.

In a certain sense I feel like, I got over this enormous heartbreak, I composed myself again, stood up tall, traveled through Japan alone for 2 months, and here I stand, I feel strong and independent and happy and I feel like myself and in this arrogant way, I feel like… I am deserving of love. Here I am, ready for it, and I feel frustrated that it’s not finding me. Even I know that love only finds you when you least expect it. I want to fall in love like Alice down the rabbit hole, only without losing sight of myself and my obligations. Is that possible?

But anyway, I’m going to paint pottery instead. I’ve been doing that a lot lately… it’s inexpensive and so, so relaxing and rewarding and it just makes me very happy. It “fulfills.”

Next week my girlfriends are coming to visit me!! I’ve known  these girls since the 2nd grade, it’s so awesome The only thing closer is sisters… but we ARE like family. For Gods sake, the second grade?! We’ve seen each other through everything… THAT is fulfilling too.

I’m really trying to be a good girl.

But honestly, I’ll be a bad girl for this guy…

Its 2:21 as I begin this post, and I’m sitting cross legged on my living room floor with a piece of toast and a pony tail in my hair. I’m also wearing my favorite hot pink tiger shirt… but anyway. My roommate and I found a bunny today. Well, she found it. I only helped her catch it, and I bought the bunny food and now we have a pet. It’s name is Samson the Scoundle.

This evening I found out about my living situation later this year. It’s a sexy little loft, cheap rent, right near downtown. I got it : )

I feel strange.

Strand of words: insomnia, anxiety, pressure, sadness, nostalgia, quiet, destructive, searching, learning, hoping, trying to understand… part of me wants to stay up all night, with hopes of figuring myself out.

You can have knowledge without wisdom, but you can’t have wisdom without knowledge. It’s like the difference between book smarts and street smarts, and there are appropriate times for each. Someone asked me to adopt a viewpoint with the same premise as an “intricate connect the dots picture, without numbers.” Do I need numbers? Not necessarily, or at least I’d like to THINK i dont…. Is this an example of my lack of trust in a bigger plan? I thought that I DID trust. I believe that everything happens for a reason, and everything will turn out as is should, and it will be okay. But I find it difficult to look up into the sky and imagine an enormous, beautiful picture behind the gleaming stars. I mean, I know the space between the stars in the night sky is not empty, I have faith in this because I can feel it… I know that I am here with a purpose–we all are. But I can’t seem to trust that there is already a plan drawn out for me, starring me in the face as a velvety canvas of orbing dots. Or of connect-the-dots, if you will.

How can one have time to be indecisive while the world is still turning and we are lucky enough to be breathing, dancing, loving, eating, walking, laughing and thinking? There is no time to wait for a sign! Tap into your intuition… this is the wonder that keeps the stars apart. That raw, gusty, first instinct is your sign…. it is a gift, and it is my faith. I believe in myself.