The Result of Perpetual Motion

Its 2:21 as I begin this post, and I’m sitting cross legged on my living room floor with a piece of toast and a pony tail in my hair. I’m also wearing my favorite hot pink tiger shirt… but anyway. My roommate and I found a bunny today. Well, she found it. I only helped her catch it, and I bought the bunny food and now we have a pet. It’s name is Samson the Scoundle.

This evening I found out about my living situation later this year. It’s a sexy little loft, cheap rent, right near downtown. I got it : )

I feel strange.

Strand of words: insomnia, anxiety, pressure, sadness, nostalgia, quiet, destructive, searching, learning, hoping, trying to understand… part of me wants to stay up all night, with hopes of figuring myself out.

You can have knowledge without wisdom, but you can’t have wisdom without knowledge. It’s like the difference between book smarts and street smarts, and there are appropriate times for each. Someone asked me to adopt a viewpoint with the same premise as an “intricate connect the dots picture, without numbers.” Do I need numbers? Not necessarily, or at least I’d like to THINK i dont…. Is this an example of my lack of trust in a bigger plan? I thought that I DID trust. I believe that everything happens for a reason, and everything will turn out as is should, and it will be okay. But I find it difficult to look up into the sky and imagine an enormous, beautiful picture behind the gleaming stars. I mean, I know the space between the stars in the night sky is not empty, I have faith in this because I can feel it… I know that I am here with a purpose–we all are. But I can’t seem to trust that there is already a plan drawn out for me, starring me in the face as a velvety canvas of orbing dots. Or of connect-the-dots, if you will.

How can one have time to be indecisive while the world is still turning and we are lucky enough to be breathing, dancing, loving, eating, walking, laughing and thinking? There is no time to wait for a sign! Tap into your intuition… this is the wonder that keeps the stars apart. That raw, gusty, first instinct is your sign…. it is a gift, and it is my faith. I believe in myself.

I just woke up on the floor of my apartment with a text message and Forrest Gump, so I ate an apple and here I am…

Please, everyone…. SEE FORGETTING SARAH MARSHALL! This video is a song from it, believe it or not it’s incredibly charming in the movie but most likely somewhat strange out of context.

Today I disappeared for a while by myself, because when I feel sad or overwhelmed or lost within myself, I have to do that. I have to feel alone in the world to regain sense of what’s important to me and what’s important in life. Stepping away from the tedious project that becomes our reality is vital for my sanity… when we start taking ourselves too seriously, clarity of mind wanes. Anyway, only one person actually knows where I went or what I saw, because I’m keeping it to myself but it was one of the most beautiful, miraculous moments in my whole life and I feel a sense of renewal.

I really miss my family. I really wanna hang out with my dad and talk, and I wanna cuddle with my mom and enjoy cooking, and I want to drive with my sisters… I really want the three of us to be together so badly. I like the thought of me jumping on claire in the morning and laughing at how her morning smell has never, ever changed. Or sleeping with Ash talking for hours and hours and I miss the way she says my name… it’s kind of like “AIR-RIH-KAH!!” I’m just spouting off here, but I miss her very square thumb nail that was painted a very bold pink while eating a burrito in Humboldt. Crushers games, ACE hardware, Yosemite and Disneyland’s “it’s a beautifa daaay”… “Honda you die.” and “Every body else knooooows”… God, remember spraying sun tan oil on the marble in Mexico and sliding down the corridor? Nutella and fresh squeezed orange juice. Grandma toes, rock sales, climbing the front tree with our bike helmets and REI fleece, Thelma, and the last thing before I ramble forever… this song came on “The Crush” at work (GOD I MISS SARAH AND NO NAME!!!!!!! SO MUCH!!!!!) Anyway, this song made me teary eyed while making a sandwich. Why am I crying lately? I should probably just allow myself.

After getting off the phone with my best friend Molly, I came to a decision to begin to type with the intent of “clearing the air.” For the past few weeks… or even the past month or so, my blogs have not been as truthful and honest and straighfoward as I should maintain. What’s the point of having a blog if I don’t say whats REALLY on my mind? Or how I’m really feeling, or convey the actuality of my current situation? I’ve been vague and ambiguous becuase I’ve been fearful of some people who read my blog knowing the inner workings of my mind. How do I correct this? Do I fill you in on my current situation (which, especially at this point in time, sounds like an episode of Gossip Girls… of which is no ones fault but my own…) No, I don’t feel like recounting the happenings of the past few weeks, or recounting the emotional ups and downs (by “emotional” and “ups and downs”, I’ve been jumping around the upper spectrum of emotions…. from good to great, the difference between the two emotions being my reason for feeling that way. To be more plain, it has a lot to do with the persons of which I feel that way. These emotions are confusing, but I’m probably not as confused as Ishould be feeling. I’ve been slightly scandalous lately, but my I swear my intention is good and my heart is in the right place, and my feelings are genuine. And I hate defending my actions, I mostly refuse to do it so that’s as far as I’ll go. Oh my goodness, I seem to be digging myself a hole of ambiguity deeper than the one I want to correct…. I promise I’m going to speak the truth from here on out.

Honestly, my heart feels like it’s wide open, but in a good way. In a rare way, too. I’ve never been this type before… I feel so open to affection and I’m about to get really corny. I just feel really full of love and I want to share it with someone who will adore me as much as I adore them.

And that’s all. I’ve made my vow of honesty and now I need to go to Blockbuster.

I’m sitting here on someone else’s computer watching Garden State practicing nearly every nervous twitch that I have. I keep pausing as I scour the Internet for news and stories, hoping for attention via Myspace, to twist at the hair behind my ear, to bit the skin around my nails, to trace my fingers across and around my hands in a soft, symmetrical way, and to smell my wrist because my natural scent is calming to me (I know that probably sounds really strange but I’ve done it since I was a toddler, I smell my wrist when I’m nervous. I’ve never met anyone like me. I’d like to think there’s a biological reason but I’m really not sure that there is.)

I don’t have anything to say.

I don’t like my job… I think I might quit and I’m not a quitter so it’s kind of a big deal. The ma & pa thing doesn’t work for me. I need more organization and I don’t like feeling like someones bitch and I also don’t appreciate being yelled at and feeling like I was 11 years old again. But I loved 11… Georgia Underwater

Amy and I forgot to bring the shop sign in when we closed and someone stole it and the owner kind of flipped out. It was scary and funny at the same time because he let me have it and then he huffed and puffed around with a silly angry-face and he kept dropping things which made it that much more funny because he would pick them up and mutter bad words under his breath and stomp away and then he sliced a whole giant thing of Provolone even though we didnt need it! So silly… and it turns out the Salon next door grabbed the sign for us. Soooo silly.

I found my favorite shoes today, just now… Some people think that they’re Crocks and I hate when people think that! They have a resemblance, I”ll admit, but they’re Dansco’s and they’re mom shoes and I love them because they make me slightly taller and they make me feel like Susan Gansel, who is the kind of mom that I want to be someday, only slightly more touchy-feely affectionate.

I was excited to hear from Hugo a few days ago.

I’m rambling. Anyway I have to go. Good day!

It’s 11:00 p.m. and Eva and I are about to pick up her boyfriend Ken to drive to Morro Bay to take him to his car.  I don’t feel like explaining but I’m excited to drive with Eva because we’ve had such a great day.

I woke up early on Ken’s couch this morning with my retainers in my mouth, a one-eyed cat laying between my legs and my cell phone singing.  So Eva and I went to breakfast at the Splash Cafe (AWESOME) and I had a scramble and a diet coke for breakfast.  (Lately, diet coke is my main squeeze.)

I layed in the sun and talked to my mommy and my sissy on the phone and then went with Eva downtown.  While she worked I painted pottery for 3 hours and then went home, showered, changed into an outfit straight outta the Breakfast Club (plus a twist of sex appeal) and felt like a new person.  I took Eva to check out some bathing suits and we ate orange chicken and listened to Bobby Daren and Natasha Beddingfield.

We’ve had a wonderful day…  feeling a tad drowsy about now, 

7 minutes later:

I just jumped around Eva’s living room for a minute, half dancing with enthusiasm, half punching the air with frustration when suddenly, I STOPPED, put my finger to my mouth like I do when I’m thinking, made a prediction and minutes later discovered that I started my period, which is truly miraculous for 2 reasons:

1)  My period is a shy visitor who only comes once every few months or so, and doesn’t usually hang around for very long,

2)  Eva witnessed the whole thing, which we found to be hilarious (but then, we’ve been laughing all day)

Sorry for the girly interjection. So sorry.

An hour and a half later:

Just got back from Morro Bay, fun drive, relaxing and meditative to drive at nighttime, listened to John Mayer (of course) sound like caveman because me sleepy. Eva and I are going to cuddle, good night y’all, pretty much a fabulous day.

Fantastic weekend, for that matter.

So this was the sunset… interesting evening, really. Hmmm…

I feel like heaven right now, I’ve spent the morning in bed… not drinking tea or reading the news, not writing or even listening to music, just laying in my cozy-warm-spot realizing that my entire bed is a cozy warm spot and realizing that every position is comfy.  Whats the deal with the morning that makes skin so soft?  I can’t stop massaging the small of my back, it’s like silk and I’m captivated by it!  And I might add that I’ve recently discovered that even if I try to go to bed with clothes on, I wake up naked with a glimmer of a memory that I stripped them off in the middle of the night without care.

I work in an hour so I’m going to make myself some breakfast.

I hope you have a nice day, I’m thinking about you and I miss you a little bit :/

Rrrrrrraaawwr!! Right now I’m wearing a hot pink v-neck with a big silk-screened tiger on the front and it’s the coolest shirt ever. I just got off work and ate a pb&j and I’m about to go redeem a “mountaintop offer” from my friend Peter to watch the sunset over the Cuesta grade. It could be romantic but it’s not like that.

I really love my shirt because it captures my mood. Hot pink & Tigery = giddy & fierce. RAWR!!!

[...]

5 Things I’m Really Into Today:
1) Clif Bars
2) Allegra
3) High Quality Bed Linens
4) French Manicures
5) Diet Coke

I’m stoked on this sunset, and tonight’s going to be fun. That’s all for now gotta run! (Didn’t mean to rhyme.)

Yesterday I got a manicure and went on a hike because I got my first paycheck and I thought I’d treat myself. Jeeze my mind is stuck right now. Mainly I’m stressing about school… next semester I’m doing accelerated courses; I can’t handle this long, drawn out stuff again.

At work my friend Peter and I were talking about Aries, since we’re both Aries.  For some reason, he’s kind of like the male version of me so I found myself gaining lots of insight about myself from listening to him.  We’re loyal to a fault, but are very cautious with our hearts and fall in love rarely because it can take us years of our life to recuperate from loss.  For friends and comfort we’re strongly attracted to our own sign, and many Aries have the same shape eyebrow that he and I have.  How weird is that?

AHHHhhh my writing is so bad lately and I don’t know what so say about it… I don’t know what to say because I can’t say how I feel out of fear that some people I don’t want to know my feelings read my blog.  But I began this blog with a commitment to integrity, that’s the only way it remains the least bit interesting.  Written words don’t make my feelings any more real than they already are,

“[Be] aware that what is fundamentally mysterious doesn’t become any less mysterious because we’ve put it into words. ‘Words, words, as if all worlds were there.’ Which is to say, a menu won’t fill our bellies; a love poem isn’t a kiss.”

I could talk and talk and talk, write and write and ramble on and on, I could attempt to decipher my feelings and phycoanalyze my actions but I don’t really want to.  It takes too much time and energy when only a few simple, brief lines need to be said………  And I just deleted the whole end of this blog post. I fucking HATE that I have to censor myself, but I do.  Sorry everybody.

OBAMA:

“You go into some of these small towns in Pennsylvania, and like a lot of small towns in the Midwest, the jobs have been gone now for 25 years and nothings replaced them. And they fell through the Clinton administration, and the Bush administration, and each successive administration has said that somehow these communities are gonna regenerate, and they have not. So it’s not surprising then that they get bitter, they cling to guns, or religion, or antipathy to people who aren’t like them, or anti-immigrant sentiment, or anti-trade sentiment, as a way to explain their frustrations.”

Bottom line? These comments are not right. They’re not OK to say. I know that Barack is my main man but I need to be fair here… I’m disappointed and surprised, quite frankly. I almost wrote to defend these remarks, but couldn’t bring myself to do it. We all know (of course) people like this exist in middle America, but also in other places, and they also DON’T exist in middle America. Such sweeping generalizations are a pet peeve of mine, which is why I love the Obama campaign; I feel they truly attempt to avoid low political tactic and swift-boating and such and the like. Alas, it’s how you recover from a mistake that counts so we shall see what happens but so far, I’m not very pleased. Boo hoo

On a lighter note, right now I’m drinking wine over a vegetable stir-fry and butternut squash soup. I cleaned my room today, washed all my clothes and (are you ready? I even…) put them all away. I changed my linens to these amazing high thread-count crisp white sheets that I forgot my mom gave to me, and I’m feeling very rested.

Apparently I’m really lucky I got tickets to Flight of The Conchords because the show sold out in 3 minutes. The seats I got for $34 are going on e-bay for at least $250 a pop. Check this music vid, its The Black Seeds from New Zee and Bret makes a cameo appearance:

Also, if you haven’t seen the pictures yet, a baby was born in India with 2 faces. I personally think it’s beautiful in some odd way… crazy/beautiful/strange. This little girl, Lali Singh, is being hailed as the goddess Durga. She can drink milk from both mouths and blinks all four of her eyes at once!

Lastly, a few thoughts of my own… lately I’m struggling to set some boundaries for myself which sounds kind of silly but entirely makes sense. Growing up, more so in my adolescent/highschool years, my greatest gift and also greatest downfall was the lack of boundaries my parents set for me. I won’t elaborate but I got away with too much and I plan on keeping my children closer to the picket fence. Now I’m really going out on a limb writing this in a blog post but that’s OK. Parents? Don’t freak out, it’s how I feel and it’s not bad, merely challenging. In your defense, since (mom) I already know your guard is going up, I think I was born to push the boundaries. Anyway… I’ve always been a good kid, I’ve finally broken away from the black-sheep, “endangered patient,” signature “bad-girl,” or “evil twin” persona my family or others have tried to pin on me (subconsciously, don’t fret) It worked for a while, and sometimes when you’re given a false label you accept it, and that’s OK too as long as you learn to shed it. So I was kind of a wild-child for a bit, I did my own thing and in the scheme of things I never did any wrong but I wasn’t Marsha Brady either.

The downside of this boundless adolescense has passed, though it still sometimes poses a struggle. It taught me to really take a hold of my own. If I want something in life, I reach out and grab it for myself since I know that no one else will do it for me. Some see my trip to Japan as impossible for them, and maybe it is, the difference (I think) is that I don’t see anything as impossible. Even pigs can fly in artwork.

There are, however, limits to my “reach out and grab it” attitude. I have to keep in mind that my wave length is slightly more brisk than most, and sometimes I have to harness my enthusiasm, excitement or passion as it can be overwhelming.

On May 30th all of my girlfriends and I are getting really dressed up, as in suuuuper flashy, chic/hip, fashionably creative and high-class and we’re going to a fancy dinner, drinking cosmopolitans and strutting to the Sex And The City Movie. Oooooooo I can’t WAIT…

But the Tuesday before, I’m going with some friends to see Flight Of The Conchords in Nob Hill. I pounced on those tickets this morning, got some awesome seats and I’m totally planning on wearing all Bret Mckenzie paraphanelia… yes, I am a Bretrosexual Bretaholic and I’m not afraid to admit it. That’s the first step toward recovery, right?

So within the same few minutes I bought my FOTC tickets, my sister called me and told me she got her and I John Mayer tickets this summer in Boston. So looks like I’m headed to Boston!! Oh my goodness, oh my goodness, oohhhhhhhhhh my goodness I’m so excited I’m going to just float away like a happy yellow balloon or something. Ashley, my boy John, in Boston???? Too much awesomeness to handle.