The Result of Perpetual Motion

Last night was incredible. I’m still in the “pinch-me” phase of the event… I cannot believe that I saw Bret and Jermaine live, up close, in person. In San Francisco. In the living, breathing, laughing, singing, beautiful sexy hotness that is Flight of the Conchords. You should have seen me before the show, I was embarrassing all of my friends and hooting and hollering a skipping and jumping– we got from Rashell’s house in the Excelsior district to our seats in a half an hour. That’s how excited I was. And when FoTC came on stage, my eyes welled up and a gleam of sweat appeared on my arms and chest and on the back of my neck and a huge grin came across my face and I sort of nearly hyperventilated for a second. That went away eventually but the grin never left my face. Not at any point was I not smiling.

GOD they’re sexy. Oh my god he’s so hot… he’s like a curry… if I tell him how hot he is he’ll think I’m being sexist… he’s so hot he’s making me sexist… asshole! No but really, I shouldn’t even continue about how crazy I am about Bret and Jermaine or people will seriously question my sanity. Let me just say, I’d have either of their children.

My battery is going to die in a second, but here is a movie and some pictures for your viewing pleasure. These are from a party in San Francisco with my friiiends, while my bunny slept in the car with plenty of air and water and berry nibblers and don’t worry I know it sounds terrible but it was only for a few hours and he told me he really enjoyed his stay in the beautiful city of San Francisco so his bunny vacation was constructive.

I kind of went crazy on the videos I just can’t get enough of these guys… I love them more than I love Barack Obama and Carrie Bradshaw, combined. Each video is fabulous, you should watch them. But if you don’t that’s okay too. I guess…. we just won’t be friends any more is all.

Brace yourself for my ADD; this post is going to be all over the place.  Right now I’m watchig The Buzz on Sex and The City and WOWIE WOWIE WOWOW WOAH MAMAAAAA!  Right now I’m going to harness my strong desire to express myself through exclamation points and capitalization and use my words like a big girl.

I am so excited for Sex and The City that when I think about it my heart rate increases.  So excited that I’m wearing my pj’s, my highest high heels and I’ve occasionally been getting up to pose in the mirror, attempting to fasten creative things into my hair (since Carrie Bradshaw will wear almost anything on her head.)  I need a dress and some Manolo’s and I think I’ll need to take off my cheesy french manicure…  I need to buy martini glasses and spanish olives for my girls and me…  I need a cocktail dress… I’ve got my girlfriends, I’ve got my blog, I’ve got the city… what else, what else… Sex and The City…. I’m missing something, I feel like I’m missing something……………………….

Anyway  What’s more: I’m even more excited for tonight!! Flight of the Conchords.  I’m the luckiest girl in the world.

Tomorrow is going to be an interesting day as well…  Not that I’m a player or anything, but when it rains it pours and I’ve got a lunch date and a dinner date on Wednesday.  Sometimes I feel like I’ve dated too much for someone my age… when I say “date”  I don’t mean more than a few with each boy because I usually get scared and hide after that point.  I also refer to the boys as: “that boy.”  As in, “Mom I’ll see you later I’m going out with that boy tonight.” To which my mom says, “I don’t know which boy you’re talking about because you never refer to them by name!”  They’re all very interesting boys though… Judo expert, a racecar driver, a mechanical engineering major, a drama major, a cello player, a skater, an artist, a techy, a jock…  I love meeting new people, they’re all great guys, I always pay for my half of the date (few argue at that  )  Anyway, tomorrow is kind of crazy though, I don’t normally do something like this but hey… both of the guys are kind of players so I figure, well… I figure I can play that game, too.

My mom doesn’t like that I tend to portray this sort of shallow image.  She thinks I’m much deeper than I often lead people to think, and she’s right but I think it’s up to others to discover that.  My wall is my projection of a carefree, wild, independent, flirtatious party girl type and we all have our own wall so I think that’s fine.

I watched The Patriot last night with Tina and I feel a renewed sense of patriotism.  Also, my favorite magazine (The Sun) has a theme of patriotism this month. I guess when it rains patriotism, it pours patriotism.

“Since this is an emergency, all robots now have their patriotism circuits activated.”-Commander Zapp Brannigan on Futurama

Now I’m going to coffee with my friend Anita and then I’m going to make my FoTC shirt and leave for SF at 5 with Bryanne and Leah! YEEEE!

Oooooo I’m happy :))  One of my very favorite things in the whole entire world:  a day with the Baldry family!  RIght now we’re listening to Joss Stone, I’m typing this in the kitchen as Tina and Bryanne cook a fabulous dinner.  Rashell just left for the city, but we all had breakfast this morning and went grocery  shopping and all that jazzy jazz.  Their new house is stunning, like a dream come true and I love spending as much time here as possible!  It makes me feel like I’m on vacation.

Tomorrow is Flight of the Conchords!!  Soooo excited.  Then Thursday Ashley gets in around 4!  SO STOKED.  And you know what else after that?  The midnight showing of Sex and The City with my girls.  We’re chartering a limo for an hour to drop us off downtown SF!

I like how I always seem to talk about the future in my blog posts, when most of the blogs that I read talk about the past…. I don’t know,  I don’t really like that style very much.  Infact, I prefer not to discuss such objective things like the past and the future, like “today this happened,” or “tomorrow this is happening,”  it’s so monotonous!  And uninteresting to most people… I like writing about bigger things, heavier things.  But then, you can’t have that all the time either.

I know it’s been a long time since I last posted, but that isn’t to say I haven’t written… The following segments are partial blog posts that I’ve begun and was unable to publish over the past few days. It had been so long since I wrote this first portion that when I found it and read it, I didn’t even think I was the one who wrote it! The thought crossed my mind that I’d forgotten to log out of my blog account and someone went on and wrote me a letter.  It nearly took the wind out of me…! I thought “Holy shit, who wrote this.  I feel as though this person has known me my whole life…”  ALAS, I have.  I can be SUCH a dummy.

#1:

Dear Erika,
Out of utter confusion as to who youre writing for these days, you chose to begin at the root and write to yourself. To be perfectly honest, it’s past three in the morning and you can’t go to sleep. Lauren is asleep on the couch and you feel slightly jealous of her slow breathing right now…

You have too much going on in your mind to sleep.

#2:

I always like to think that the greatest challenge for a writer is to express themselves when they don’t feel like expressing, and to write when they don’t feel like writing. This exercise is extremely difficult, especially for stubborn people like me who think too much with their hearts. If I don’t feel like doing something, I’ll be damned if I do it. And if I want to accomplish something there is, quite honestly, few things or people that can stop me. I’m hyper tonight so I’ll be jumping around a lot, especially since I don’t feel like writing. At the moment I’m simply spouting off the top of my head so as not to neglect my blogging obligations.

I worked out hardcore this morning and my arms are really sore. I decided that I want to train for a 5k this summer to set my mind on something… as if Boston, John Mayer, Coldplay, summer school, and 2 jobs are not enough… My friend Peter thinks that girls peak at 22, in terms of looks and everything. I refuse to prove him right. How tragic!! That means I’d only have a few years left! But my mom is still beautiful, so I’m not very worried. I exercise, eat a low fat diet, wear sunscreen on my face, perhaps occasionally I drink more than the New York Times science journal recommends but hey. It’s the time and the place.

I gave myself a beautiful manicure today, cleaned out my car, hung out with my bunny, laughed with my roommates, ate vine ripe peaches on the beach, ran up the ridge behind my house… last night i spent the night at Eva’s and we slept waaay in. The alarm went off at 7am but we ended up waking up a 9:30 and I cooked us breakfast (delish.)

Not to freak anyone out, but last night I had a dream that I was like 8 and 3/4 months pregnant. I actually felt preggers, and everyone was commenting on how I looked like I “was going to burst at any moment!” or “wow! talk about a bun in the oven!” What is the DEAL with these dreams? HUH??
I mean, there is no way that I could actually be preggers, but what do the baby dreams mean? They are among the most vivid, auditory, realistic dreams I’ve ever had. What. Da. Deal.

Hugo e-mailed me today I miss that boy!! He lives in England but spent last summer in Sonoma. We met during his last few weeks in the US and we barely parted for his remaining duration. I showed him around, and we and grew to be quite fond of him… it was so cute, I’d call him when I was outside his house and he’d hurry out with his hair wet, with his baseball hat and his “jumper” and sometimes his breakfast or lunch, smelling so fresh and delicious! Hahaha I’m such a goober for recalling all of it but honestly, I was unusually unsettled to see him go.

I should not be permitted to buy peanut butter since I can barely restrain myself from eating it with a spoon.

#3:

Today was a fabulously full day of many accomplishments.

First of all, it was my second to last day of school before FINALS! Ahhhh… finally the finale.

Also, it was 97 degrees today and I managed to take my little bra off from underneath my top while reading the newspaper at school, since it wasn’t quite necessary and was only making me hot.

Then I went and worked out at an all womens gym, and now youre thinking “WOW Erika’s gone craazy next she’s going to burn her bra’s and fight the federal government!” But no.

I really enjoyed the womens club, quite honestly. Not overly hormonal, muscle men to hit on me, and i can just run my little heart out in peace.

Then I had my first day at Moondoggie’s, it was AWESOME. LOVE IT. Working full time is’nt going to be so bad…

My bunny licked me for a good 30 seconds today, and he ate a frozen strawberry. And Chad and Britien are passed out on my floor while McKenna and I watch Sex and the City and I LOVE MY ROOMMATE, we’re having a sleep over tomorrow. Complete with wine and pedicures. And sugar. And giggles and pillow fights. Tee Hee

Leah, one of my best friends in the whole wide world, highlighted a point I hadn’t considered:

“…you are so passionate and personal and committed to all of the relationships you make in your life. and an animal or a pet doesnt reciprocate that. sure they give you love, and they cuddle, but erika, youre so much deeper than that. its a one sided bond between a human and an animal. youve never been one to buy into relationships that are sugary sweet on the surface and nothing more. you strive for a deeper connection. i think that is why you neglected a little bunny who was soft and cute. nothing more.
i think you will make an incredible mother because you will get to communicate on such a deeper level. you get to put yourself and everything you know into raising your children!
I know you are going to be the BEST mama. “

It’s so awesome when someone says something that genuinely cheers you up. None of the fake, “Oh gee thanks you’ve not made me feel the slightest bit consoled.” None a that. Thank you Leah, darling.

Today I went on a run to clear my head… I waved to the neighbor boys as i took off, struggling with my iPod headphones (damn things never stay in my ears.) I ran up the ridge behind my house and then did 6 long, fast hill repeats. When I ran back to my place, panting and pink on the face, the boys said they had a surprise for me. (”The boys” are, alphabetically: Adam, Britien, Chad & Zach.) Britien’s face looked so excited as i followed him into the house, up the stairs at which point I stopped. I thought I knew what it was, but I tried not to think what I was thinkin’ since if I thought it, and it wasn’t true (how could it be true??) I would feel really let down. I just stood there as he and Adam pulled back the curtains to reveal my bunny. Sampson, alive.

How could it be??! I don’t understand… there is no explaination for this. He survived a week without food or water after either jumping off a balcony (which I don’t think happened) or after escaping the mighty talons of a screech owl or a hawk. I don’t know. It’s a miracle, this bunny is a miracle so I have to keep it and love it with all of my might.

After the boys pulled back the curtain, honestly, a million different things were racing through my mind and I sort of got teary eyed and had to take a minute. I raced to pick up my paycheck and get to Petco so that I could give my bunny a warm bed before dark. He’s resting right now. He seems pretty traumatized, but so happy in his new purple cage. And that water bottle! I never knew how much bunny’s actually loved those little water bottles. Petco even added a turtle to float on the inside of the bottle for aesthetic value. I bought him some treats and a kilo of saw dust and I’m going to make sure he’s completely and totally healthy and clean and organic and loved.

Britien, I’m sorry you sustained a scratch while rescuing Sampson. And I’m sorry I cleaned up the bunny poo and put it in your ash tray… it’s just, you guys were joking about cooking him for dinner and since you can’t do that I thought I’d give you a lil’ somethin’ to remember him by. A million times, thank you for rescuing my bunny.

So. Anyway, I’m the happiest girl in the world. That monkey is gone, and my baby is back : )

I woke up abruptly in a fever this morning, my body sticky with sweat and my heart hurting. I felt this deep sense of grief, I felt like crying. And moments after I wondered why I wanted to sob, why I felt so carved out and empty, I remembered my dream.

This is really fucked up, this dream I had and I’ve been thinking about it all day. It’s haunting me and I’ll never forget it as long as I live. How can something that never really happened except for in the caverns of my midnight mind have such a resounding effect on me and the rest of my life.

Since Sampson died, I’ve been having a few dreams per night about losing something after I’ve neglected it. They’ve alerted me that there’s something much greater behind this bunny than the situation might initially convey.

I’ve only ever felt apathy toward animals. It’s always sort of been a joke in my family… “Erika can never remember to feed the cat’s!” and my mom alllllways had to remind me time and again not to forget to let the dog in the house, and she even gave my cat away because she knew i wouldn’t really mind either way.

This is something that I’m ashamed about. I hate that I have been this way. I’m a loving, passionate, considerate person toward (most) humans. Why do I become so selfish toward animals? It is a selfishness that I want to be able to correct. My biggest fear is the reflection this might have for raising my children someday. Among all the things I want to do and become in my life, I’ve always know that above all else (undoubtedly)… raising a few amazing children and being the best mom that I can possibly be is my purpose in life. Underneath almost every decision that I make, I’m already considering my children. This might seem strange or difficult to understand, but I live my life striving to be the best possible person so that I can be the best possible mother. And the thought that I can’t even care for an animal unravels fears that I wouldn’t be able to care for a child someday.

Sampson the bunny became this ascribed symbol, without even myself realizing it, of a pivotal change that I craved for; learning to have feelings for an animal. I want to care for and love something, but humans are quick tempered and unpredictable with their emotions, so why shouldn’t and why wouldn’t I be able to truly love an animal? These were my thoughts and hopes. I loved Sampson, but I still neglected him. I failed to notice what he was blatantly expressing. And so I lost him.

These dreams I’ve been having for the past few days touch on these fears I’ve just elaborated about. And my dream last night was so vivid an symbolic I’ve been really, deeply effected by it.

I dreamt that I was hiking somewhere beautiful near my home and I felt really happy, and all of a sudden I came across this beautiful baby in a beautiful basket. The baby was naked and warm and she wasn’t crying, just looking at me with these huge, amazing brown eyes and this calm face and I fell in love immediately. The child was remarkable. I had to care for this baby, it became my child in my mind. I was going to raise this baby. My thoughts never considered that I should take the baby home with me. We belonged out there, together. So i ran home to bring things back for the baby and for me, and when I returned a big ugly monkey with stringy brown hair and an evil face was devouring it violently right in front of me and the child was screaming and that’s when I woke up.

It makes me cry whenever I think about it, and I can’t seem to really erase it from my mind if i’m not being productive at work or doing something that consumes my thoughts. This post is sort of written in the midst of my grief about it, and I don’t have anything further to say except for I hope I see that happy baby alive and well in my dreams tonight.

This is about to be a lengthy blog post, it’s been a few days since i last wrote and I apologize about that. I’m going to start five days ago and give you the highlight reel of my recent escapades…

Last tuesday my friend Chad and I threw his brother a surprise birthday party, something I had never done before and I have to admit that I took enormous satisfaction from it. I baked a cheesecake and an apple pie, which nearly parished in the back of the oven because I anxiously forgot to push the shelf in… and then my roommate watched me have a panic attack because I’m kind of a perfectionist when it comes to things like that and I had worked so hard on it! Alas, everything was okay. It was slightly dry, but it had a big “A” on it. A for Adam.

I got another job at a surf shop called Moondoggies. It’s awesome, and the people that work there are SO coool. I was late for my interview too, since my car battery died. That’s a whole other story! So annoying. Anyway, I have 2 jobs now and I’ll soon be working 7 days a week, but I have to in order to go to Boston to see where my sister lives!

Last night Zach, Britien and I went on a road trip. I got Saturday off of work, and it’s the last day I wont work for a while so we did a quick mish down to Santa Barbara to visit Lauren. I haven’t partied in a few weeks but I sort of made up for that… I raged it to this awesome band (they played reggae and Rage covers) and Lauren and I jumped in the ocean and it was just an all around eventful night.

I’m watching the movie Finding Neverland and it’s pure magic. I’m totally crying right now, this movie is amazing. It’s just so sad, I mean really. Tragedy. Poor Tinker Bell, it’s just so sad. I’m sobbing!…

Also, my bunny died. Here’s the story: He’s been living out on the balcony because we didn’t have a cage for him and he couldn’t stay inside since he makes a mess, so he lived on our balcony. Yes, in retrospect it was very thoughtless. I’m feel horrible about it. So, the bunny was really annoying at night time. He would flip out and run around and scratch on the sliding glass door as if he wanted to get in. The morning my roomie and I decided the bunny had to be taken to the shelter, we found that it was gone. It disappeared off the second floor balcony because and owl carried it away, and that’s what the bunny was trying to tell us. And I didn’t listen. This is terrible, and I just really feel very, very guilty about it.

Sampson, I’m so sorry.

“Speak truth to power.” Read John Steinbeck, listen to Coldplay.

I just FREAKED OUT by myself in my house because Coldplay is so FREAKING AMAZING and their new album is coming out SO SOOON and tickets are going on sale SOOO SOOON!!!!!! And their new song is SO FUCKING GOOD AND THERE”S A SONG CALLED LOVERS IN JAPAN AND I CAN”T CONTAIN MYSELF RIGHT NOW.

I’ve just gone from crying to laughing in a matter of minutes.

Dear Mom,

I know how much you wish I could have been home for Mothers Day to cuddle with you and watch movies and cook a nice dinner. I wish that I could be there too. I really miss you and I hope that you had a beautiful Mothers Day, full of mimosas and pancakes and those delicious fresh diced strawberries that I can never get enough of.

I hope that today everyone told you what an amazing mother you are. I know that they did, because you are. Everyday I feel blessed and thankful of the things you’ve taught me, from pie crust to perfume, about self-discovery and challenge. I know this year has been a struggle and I promise you it’s all going to feel better really soon.

Look at the 3 beautiful girls you raised, and bask in the feeling! It’s glorious. Step back from the microscope and enjoy the larger picture. There are flaws but they are crazy/beautiful flaws that only contribute to the beauty of our life. We are so lucky. We are so lucky to have you as our mother. When I think of you right now I see all of us and Stormy on Doran beach, hair soaking wet and salty from the ocean, noses runny, with huge grins on our faces. We’re listening to Morcheeba, eating sandwiches on sliced sourdough in our dry, warm clothes. And I’m 10 years old thinking how cool my surfer mom is. Ah! Heaven, absolute heaven.

I love you so much, Mom.

Always,

Erika

Rashell, Bryanne, and Leah are here and I feel like the happiest girl in the entire world.  I was this sort of happy on my 17th birthday…

This is my gorgeous sister Claire, who’s mind is still more beautiful than her smile…

This is Sampson, the bunny that is the love of my life.

Me and my super cool friend McKenna :[]

I hope she’s not weirded out I put this up, but this is my bff Eva and I foud this picture on her computer just now and I think it’s too DANG cute not to post!

The infamous GK, my best friends in the whole wide.

Right now it’s one in the morning and I’m sitting here watching Rob and Big re-runs, petting my bunny. I love this bunny a lot. To be honest, this bunny has really begun to mean a lot to me. I wuv my bunnykins… wittle bunbun

Tonight I turned down 2 invites and opted to stay home, in my pj’s to spend the evening with myself. I swear there can’t be anything much more inspiring than a nice, long, hot shower devoted to yourself.

Tomorrow Rashell and Leah are coming to visit me! It’s just what the doctor ordered!!! “people lemme tell ya ’bout muh beeeest friend” aw yeah, well theyre coming tomorrow and I can’t wait. I’m around people that seem to like me, but well…. I dunno. You’re never quite sure, since time is the only test and all. These girls have stood the test of time. God I love them.

And there are less than 4 weeks until my sister comes. OHHHHHHHHHH!!! Oh my goodness. Oh my gooooooood nesssssss.

I hope she can meet my bunny. I might not be able to keep it! NO!
I have an idea: my mom, my sisters and I could steal the old bunny hutch from my childhood home. I know that we could. For real, this is on like Donkey Kong. I got the bunners, we got the truck, I feel like that house is still my domain, this bunny hutch is in the bag and badda bing, we got our new bunny set-up. It’ll be Project Bunnykins and I’m making t-shirts. What do ya say mama?? REally tho, how fun would that be? And that stupid liar woman who bought the house isn’t using the backyard, period. We can do this!

I’m gunna go to bed tho. I’m waking up to work out hardcore before the beach with aims on our day off.

PS- people should comment my blog more. It’s better than mail or a nice note left on your windshield. Make me happy