The Result of Perpetual Motion

Right now it’s pretty early in the morning. I should be in bed, but I can’t sleep. I’m wearing leg warmers, an oversized sweatshirt and I just realized that I forgot to remove a tiara from my hair so I look pretty quirky. Rayna and I stayed up until 4 in the morning last night talking about our 2 and a half year plan… I really should feel tired. In a nutshell, we’re going to New York in 2 and 1/2 years. Its exciting! It really is…

Heart-to-hearts talks with Rayna are like soul food. Why am I always suprised when i feel enlightened to a different way of looking at something? She told me to analyze the people I love most in my life (my close friends and family) and get a hold of exactly why I love them so much. When you really get a handle on the things about the people in your inner-circle that make you love and appreciate them, maybe then you can start to understand your own unique laws of attraction. It helps you to understand yourself when you understand why you chose your “family of choice”.

My friends are INDEED my family of choice. Its such a different feeling to love friends than it is to love family. I find it difficult to express my gratitude for my friends in words. Essentially without them, i am nothing at all in the world. Although I tend to be dangerously independent most of the time, I can only accomplish this because of them. My sisters and my friends, collectively, are my rock and the stability upon which I live my life. Why do I always seem to test the people that I love most in the world? I put distance between myself and them, as if to see if they’ll endure. Honestly, to see if I can endure. And I find that i can, but I NEED them to endure as well or else my movements around the globe are pointless, and my choices in life don’t add up.
A home is no geographical point on a map, its where my people are. My friends; the people who I’m stuck with. THANK GOD I’M STUCK WITH THEM. Does that sound negative? Allow me to explain; My life is fulfilling because they won’t let me run away… I’m a person who tends to run from intimacy and I can’t help it sometimes. I try to keep from doing it! I feel on the inside its like i’m begging for the person i’m running from to say, “hey wait a minute! come back here right this second, i love you unconditionally…” I need them to work with me, love me regardless. But i can’t ask for that… who the hell will keep loving me even after i push them away repeatedly? indefinately my friends do…they give me that feeling of security, I don’t ever doubt them. I need to return the favor with more fervor, but I hope they know how deep their friendship runs and the love they have instilled in me. You know who you are and I’m grateful for you more than words will do justice.

My trust and love, once gained, is loyal, strong and nearly impossible to lose. The thing about it is, it takes a lot of patience and hard work to gain it. This, I’ve concluded, is why I have the amazing circle of friends that I do; They love me in the same, inextinguishable, enduring way that I love them.

Yesterday my dad and i drove to San Luis Obispo to check her out, and to attempt to put my mind at ease since i’ve basically been freaking out about finding a place to live in time for school to start. After a sleepless night last night due to stress-induced insomnia, the trip was a huge success and I have a place to live!

I’m so excited about this place. I get really good “vibes”, if you know what I mean. It feels right and good, and like it SHOULD feel. Now i’m just a little bit bummed that I can’t seem to get down there before this weekend! I’d like to go hang out with Eva and find a job before school starts, but it looks like I’ll only have a few days to do that. Well… I guess it can take as long as i want it to, in terms of finding a job. And in terms of Eva… I get to hang out with her all the time so thats not a problem either. So official move in date is the 19th with my mommy!

I still have a long list of things i need to do, and stuff I need to get but none of that will be delt with in this place (meaning my blog site.) All i want to say is that i’m really excited to begin my life. In my opinion, this is where real life begins. Here and now, Japan was like some kind of twisted vacation and now i’m ready to face the music and grow up. School is my main focus, for real. I’m saying that as a sort of “note-to-self”… I can’t afford to get side-tracked. Tonight my dad gave me a brief, “no parties, no boys, no fucking around Erika” type of talk and he’s right!… to a certain extent. No going out to play until my homework is done! As for boys… who knows but recently i’ve been suprisingly distracted by a certain boy and i’m enjoying it.

I feel like i’m soaring, like i’m in a gigantic up-swing and I’m plan on keeping this going for as long a possible. That means hard work for balance and i’m willing to put in the time. This is exciting, i’m not scared to move anymore and i’m in the place i need to be to succeed… and i WILL.

Charlie Chaplin:  Obviously! A comical genius. Timeless and always entertaining. I have a deep love for Charlie because he makes me laugh, even decades later, time and again. He’s cute, too.

Barack Obama:  The first time a politician makes me want to hear him speak (as opposed to feeling inclined to.)  Sometimes he even gets me a little misty eyed…  the feeling of being inspired by a presidential candidate is similar to and just as surprising as first love.  He’s articulate and clean; I’m smitten!

Sienna Miller:  My personal fashion icon and girl-crush.  There may be no end to what I would do for her closet or her legs. Plus, she makes me want to be a blond… and that’s saying a lot.

Joey:  Because he was my first love, and he broke my heart.  This is not to commend him or pity him, but to acknowledge him as a momumental person in my life that I felt would be really random and equally appropriate to mention.  Even to this day he’s the only boy to really catch me and now I think of him seldomly and fondly. 

Beryl Markham:  Utterly the most influential historical figure for the person that I am today.  She’s my hero and my idol, even Wonder Woman comes second.

Mark Twain:  Literary genius, one of my biggest inspirations. I admire his honesty, wit and ferocity.  He’s capable of pulling me out writers block and is the only man with facial hair I’ll ever love… besides my dad.

Maria Santana:  My guardian angel…  she saved me and took me under her wing in Tokyo and I will always be grateful for her.  One of those people you have a brief but life-changing encounter with.  If I’m ever down and out, I’ll remember her and know that everything will get better soon.

Pablo Neruda:  For a girl who can be such a “tough-catch,” femme-fatal sort, this poet is capable of reminding me of how it feels to be in love; he makes me want it.  Not even my old journals can do that.

Dave Chapelle:  All encompassing comedian of our time.  If you can’t laugh to Dave, I’m not sure I can be friends with you.  This is serious!

The Beatles:  Music of my life. Timeless and always appropriate… when there is nothing, there is The Beatles. And then there is everything. Cliche, but honestly, they’re rejuvenating like sex.

THE END  

As of lately, I really need to post more often… i’m sorry!

 I had my last day at Starbucks a few days ago and I was bummed on it.  Starbucks was my first job ever, and it became a lot more to me than just hourly wage.  I made some amazing friends, not only coworkers but customers as well.  I was working there when not much felt right and well in my life; I always felt good at my job and it served as a healthy distraction for me during some tough times.  However, its time to move on and i’m ready for this change.

I drove Ashley to the airport last night. She’s heading back to Boston and her friend went with her.  It was sad to say goodbye… i’m always really terrible at goodbyes! I think I feel uncomfortable if i let myself get emotional or acknowledging that i may not see the person for a long time, or in some cases ever again.  I prefer the lighthearted TTFN, as Tigger would call it (Ta Ta For Now).

My sister and have such a complex, amazing relationship.  In some ways, i can’t imagine us being more different from each other.  We can be polar opposites, like 2 sides of a coin.  But in the same respect, you have to have the heads and the tails for it to be a quarter. We need one another, and even though we can be so different, we both understand that we’re in this together.  And so, our relationship works beautifully.

I’m feeling really stressed out lately with moving to SLO and getting everything situated.  I’ve noticed something about myself, too.  When I make a change, or a leap, if you will, I can’t be hasty about it. I hate feeling like the timing isnt quite right…. like when you’re waiting for a wave.  But when i feel prepared i’m like BOOM! I make that leap, or catch that wave with a big grin on my face and I don’t look back.  The right time is coming, Eva. I hope you can understand what I mean, I’ll be down there soon… please don’t be irritated with me, my ducks are almost in a row!

 So last on the agenda: whats with bad timing? And why do some situations feel all too familiar?  I think “bad timing” may not necessicarily be “bad”… rather, different than what we want, which is to say, what we want may not be the best thing for us.  And who really even knows whats best? I like what feels good; my intuition is usually pretty decent, but occasionally leads me astray. Right now i find myself in a situation that i’ve been in once before and although i’m trying to deal with it in a smart way, so that history doesnt repeat itself, i find myself constantly realizing how seperate the mind and the body are. My better judgement can easily take a back seat to, say, desire? Or something of the sort? While understanding that we can’t be logical all of the time, when do we draw the line? I think it’s when our decisions can hurt other people… and there you have it. I may have just given myself some very useful advice.

Today I was thinking back on elementary school at Dunbar… back when I had a lunch lady coincidentally named Mrs. Cook (who still says hello and hugs me whenever she sees me), back when my best friends were named Annabelle and Jade and Rashell, when I would nearly blush at the sound of my own name, when i wore overalls and had the knobbiest knees you’ve ever seen…. I feel so proud when i think back because i really feel like i’ve become the young woman  I always wanted to be when I was a child.  My favorite stories were of heroines galloping with capes and noble steeds to foreign lands…. strong literary heroines constantly developed their adventures in my mind, and all the while i felt one of my own bubbling up inside of me, but my tiny body and shy mouth were incapable to set her free.  I don’t know exactly what happened somewhere in between then and now, but there were a few really important people in my life that challenged my shyness and helped my assertiveness and honesty take flight.  My sense of adventure, however, has always been.  It’s always nice to feel a sense that you’re on the right track… thats what i realized today.  My tiny little 8 year old self would love the person I am today.

And my tiny little 8 year-old self would lovethat i told the boy i had a gigantic crush on (all throughout Dunbar days) how much i used to adore him.  My good friend asked me if i remembered him, because he’s been doing really well at race-car driving, apparently.  My eyes lit up! OF COURSE I REMEMBER! Haha… anyway, i send him a message on his website telling him how cute i thought he was in 4th grade.  One time i got a little note of the same sort and it made me feel good, and so i really hope he takes it the same way and isnt creeped out! Not that i care, or anything…. 

 Also, today i went through all of my old journals while i was packing my things for San Louis Obispo and it was pretty amazing. I feel like i should store them in a fire proof box or something. They’re so valuable to me, words can’t explain!  I have about 10 journals that document everything from my first day of middle school, to my first major kiss, first alcohol experience, first love (which by the way:  i should have know right away that he was a complete ass!), to graduation, and finally Japan. There really are a lot of things that you forget, i’m so lucky to have most things written down. And may I add that its turning into quite an interesting biography?

 Without further delay:

MY NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS!

1) Always be reading a book.

2) Learn to fake an English Estuary accent.

3) Keep the glass half-full.

4) Improve my body image.

5) Be more attentive toward my cell phone.

6) Stay focused on school.

You were a great, great year. Its New Years Eve, my best friends birthday, and i’m brushing my teeth while i type this. Or, rather, i’m sucking on my toothbrush since i need both hands to type. I tend to do too many things at once. So i havent been home for over a week (except for the occasional stop-by to restock panties and other such things). This week has been amazing, and i just feel so happy doing my thing i can’t even tell you. I’ve spent the night at Rashell’s new place in the city, at Rayna’s place in the city, at Raynas home in SR, at Eva’s place in SR, and at my mom’s studio. I can’t really explain why at certain periods and times in my life i really cling to my friends more than anything. The great part is, they embrace me also and we find each other as close to family as anything can get.  I feel a bit strange because my sister is here in Sonoma, home from Boston and i havent been hanging out with her very much. I guess its mostly my fault and i’m sorry for that Ash. But its hard for me to be home sometimes! And its not my sister that i don’t want to be around, its the home enviornment.How strange is this: as humans and family members, we can go off on our own, establish our own lives, find ourselves outside of the limits our familys give us, create a routine that we find works for us as an individual, and ultimately discover the person within us uninfluenced by our family and we thrive, yet as soon as we step into the family enviornment, it can feel as if we are 12 years old again. 12 years old and right back to the old family dynamics (the scapegoat, the black sheep, the “good girl”, the troublemaker, the “failure”, the fragile one… etc etc) Thats what can be so difficult for people and the Holiday season. Its nostalgic, and some of us don’t like to reminisce on the past. For some of us, it doesnt feel good.It used to really bother me that my little sister would yell, “…you love your friends more than your family!” But its become much easier for me to allow them to repeat the same old phrases over and over, and so I pity the trouble of it all and simply watch from another perch, in some sense. I guess what i’m trying to say is that its easier for me to stay out of it now, but it also really pushes me away when they go right back to those family dynamics. I don’t get into it, but i also cant be there and deal with it. I have to stay away from it, and i find myself in situations such as this where I havent been home in over 7 days! But what an amazing week its been, and oh how much i love my friends (not more than my family, let me remind you. But in a different way that feels satisfying and is also a lot for fun to be around.) Tonight is New Years… I’m wearing a black little number with curly hair… its like a sexy little cupcake type of vibe, should be fun. The girls all have adorable dresses and the party is at wes and adrians. We’re drinking vodka tonics and champagne, and i’m pretty sure this is the 5th or 6th year running… I think its my favorite tradition ;)  Soooo HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL! My next post will be my new years resolutions. I hope everyone has a great night and I hope this year is going to kick as much ass as I expect it to. Love, Erika

Its been a bizarre past few days here in Sonoma, let me tell you. Great fun, but wierd… mostly because the Holidays bring everyone together in a strange, “small-world” type of way. So if you decide to sneak to the store for some eggs at 9am, you can’t get through the situation any sooner than a half hour because you run into pretty much everyone and their mom. The town is crowded with familiar people, which makes for fun times and a generous amout of drama and gossip. Holidays in Sonoma are SO cute.

This past week i helped my best friend move into her new pad in San Francisco and its just really exciting! It makes me really want to get moving with my own, independent life… I cant wait to get a new routine and meet new people and live on my own. I love my best friend, too. Just thought i’d add that… she’s the best.

Last night my dad threw a dinner party with his Japanese students in celebration of Christmas and I invited a few of my friends over to join us. Five of us finished 5 bottles of amazing wine and wound up substantially shloshed. The rest of the course of the night is hazy, but i remember running barefoot down the street, having tyler pick us up, drinking hot chocolate and laughing a lot. GOOD TIMES!

Santa comes tonight, and i still need to finish wraping my presents. It takes me a long time because its like an art project to me; i adorn gems and bows and stickers etc. Its great fun, it really is.

I feel very pleased with my gifts for christmas and I feel like this is going to be a good one. I work tomorrow also, which is (in my opinion) great. I get to get out of the house, see all the people that i love and have a blast. Thats what work is like for me… i’m wearing a santa hat i think.

HAppy Holidays. I hope everyone is in good company and feeling loved because in the end thats all we really need…… but awesome gifts are cool too.

XOXO,Erika

You know, its quite funnt that in Japan i took days off from my blog simply because there was TOO MUCH to write about; it made me feel overwhelmed. And now, i wish i had more to report! I have been so, sadly bored for the past few weeks… but i’m not giving enough credit to the happenings that have made life in Sonoma intresting.

Firstly, banana smoothies have become a favorite of mine.
Secondly, there is a boy that wasn’t quite my first kiss, or quite my first love (though i care about him very much), or even quite my first boyfriend that deserves to remain as my “first” something simply because he has always been special to me. Anyway, I just read about him in the newspaper because he went to jail for being an “accessory” to a murder and I’m pretty upset about it. In my heart of hearts i just can’t imagine it and i hope some day the boy that i care about so much becomes that person again.
Here’s the link
Thirdly, MY SISTER COMES HOME TOMORROW!!! No words can describe my happiness. The tragedy of seperated twin sisters will, for a short time, no longer be.
Lastly, i registered for my classes in San Louis Obispo. I’m taking Endurance Training, Sociology, Journalism, and English 1-A. YES.Thats all for now. Be safe out there; accidents within the Holiday season are doubly painful and harder to forget.

Part of me would like to get a new blog so that no one that i know reads it. I want to say some things that i feel bad saying, and i might prefer if i felt safe from hurting anyones feelings… but im going to continue with this one and work though it like a challenge.

Tonight i spent the evening with my mom and my “women” friends drinking wine and talking about cute firemen and designer purses while celebrating a birthday. It was one of those times where you step back from the situation for a moment and think, “how did i get here?” or maybe, “WHAT am i doing here??”

In a way I felt honored to be sitting at a dinner table talking with such socialite-type of women, and i rather enjoyed the gossip and the “ohmygod!” and the sharing of diamond rings, and the sometimes horribly caddy behavior, and simply the funny way women talk– we are SO emotional!

“You know, Cindy brings up a really good point and i just feel like, you know, I have REAAALLY nice furniture; like, this isn’t Pottery Barn. And I just want to cleanse my living space. Like, the house i’m looking at right up the street is SUCH a downsize and it would be SO fabulous if i could sell this house with all the furnishings so that i can start anew, you know? Like, minimalist–and i’d put in the tennis court and a swimming pool but, like, my style has changed and i’d really like a more costal, new england type of feel.”

“So my girlfriend and I went to the city and had this phenominal lunch and a few glasses of wine, and the bill was $250, but it was totally worth it because it was raining out and i said, “If i were a lesbian i would be SO into this!” It was so romantic! Oh my god! And we both had permission to buy real Louis [Vuitton] purses and i was like “if we just got a room and took a nap and, like, messed around it would be so sexy if i were a lesbian!” Most romantic day of my life!”

So thats enough of making fun of that– i actually had a really good time and i really like schmoozing. I’m good at it too, just maybe i’d like the more intellectual type of crowd? Who knows.

Anywhoo, last night i spent the night in the city with Mo and Ray and Glady and i just freaking love doing that because my girlfriends totally kick ass. And i’m stoked for our annual winter shopping spree where we shop all day, pay our parking ticket, smoke a couple bowls in our car before we leave the garage, go eat dinner and then party all night in our cute new clothes. Its like the 5th year running… best day ever.

Ashley comes in 5 days…Eva too! and Tyler! its super late… i need to wake up and work out and actually get some stuff done tomorrow.

PS- Tucker Max needs to rot in hell, i’m glad he knows it. I dont think i would care if he were slowly tortured on live TV. But I’d rather him catch an extensively drug-resistant form of tuberculosis AND HIV and spend the rest of his life locked away in a hospital solitary confinement cell wondering why he wasted his life away so carelessly. I have such a long list of problems with him that i don’t even know where to start…. just Google him. Maybe it’s the Grendel Complex, though. Maybe since he knows that no woman could ever love him (even without the repulsive stories), he’ll at least make everyone hate him so that they feel some sort of emotion toward him besides apathy.

Moving on to……..

CUSTOMER OF THE DAY!
Ariyon is a fifty-something lonesome hippie-type who recently had her birthday party in Starbucks (a suprising amout of people showed up). She has a really low, scratchy voice and she always wears tons of jewelry and funky clothing. Her drink is a Venti extra-hot latte with whole milk and no foam, and also a cup of ice water. Shes’ totally in love with a fat, greasy, balding old man named Ontario who claims to be a noted Astrologist and metaphysical-type. They sit in Starbucks for hours on end, usually in the evening. One time they both came in wearing wolf masks and sat working on their laptops for 3 hours WEARING WOLF MASKS. I know that she lives in a tiny house with only a wood stove and that she takes singing lessons… Though she is strange shes a kind soul and she means to be the best person that she can be. Some are in a different spectrum and its a good thing or else i’d be bored with wealthy, alcoholic women.

Everyone should see Zeitgeist.

The End

Bullets on Thoughts:

1. I’ve become obsessed with a book that a friend gave to me called Bryson’s Dictionary of Troublesome Words. A Writer’s Guide To Getting It Right. I reccomend it.
2. I belong in a big city with a Weimarener.
3. People seem to think Sonoma’s climate is responsible for the abundance of good wine but i know the truth. The truth is that the good people of Sonoma who were here before vines were became so totally, completely bored with their lives that they decided to direct their energy toward making excellent wine so that they could bottle it up and save it for the long days when they found themselves so totally, completely bored that all they could think to do was drink lots of wine…. so cheers to that.
4. I eat a balanced diet, i exercise, i’m not pregnant, but i’ve only had my period once since May. Anyone? Anyone?
5. I want what i can’t have, and i struggle with rejection! Rejection… i hate & i need to get over that, or maybe get used to it?
6. At work yesterday, i remembered a mans drink who came in one time 4 months ago but i can’t remember to go to my dentist appointment or drop off movies at Blockbuster.

Tomorrow the city with Mo, i’m stoked.

Now for something new:

The Daily Starbucks Customer!
My first profile is about Dave. Dave is a witty, thirty-something, southern bachelor who drives a nice car and loves his dog. He comes in most evenings for a grande latte with 1 splenda, a new york times, and a sandwich for dinner. Even though i like giving him a hard time, I find him very charming and attractive and i often wonder why in the world he’s single. Dave is tall with grey, smiling eyes and a bashful grin. He likes me because i laugh at his jokes and i like him because he always has a thoughtful compliment for me. His ongoing joke is that he and i are married; he calls me baby and always asks me whats for dinner, what time i’ll be home or if i need anything at the store. Though its a bit strange, i hardly discourage it and secretly find it quite sweet!