The Result of Perpetual Motion

Play this song before you read my blog post. It’s pure magic.

Coldplay Viva la Vida

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls: I am going to see Coldplay.

I am going to see Coldplay
AND
I’m going to see John Mayer.

And then I’m going to die the happiest girl in the world. OHHHHH MY GOD, I just, I just, have no words for my excitement. The thought of missing either of the two in concert makes me feel heavy and sad and depressed, it makes me feel broken hearted. And so, it must be done. I must imerse myself in their music.

My mind has been toying back and forth with my summer plans….I’ve almost posted my plan a half dozen times, but have stopped myself due to my uncertainty. Alas! I have the plan.

Unfortunately, Boston is out of the picture. We all know why: a sandwich is just as much as a gallon of gas. And I have this new theory working about how a sandwich is human fuel, and maybe it can fuel us just as far of a distance on a bike as a gallon of gas could a car. Depends on the car I guess… depends on the person.

So anyway, no east coast for me this summer. I’m sad, but I had to be practical. A week of vacation means no work hours, no paycheck, in the middle of summer school, costing about $700 dollars, not including opportunity cost. It just wouldn’t be smart, you feel me?

So instead, my summer fun is going to be 2 major concerts here in beautiful Calif. My justification for them is the opportunity cost, and the fact that I’m not paying for an airplane ticket to Boston. Basically, 2 nights off for 2 concerts in California versus 7 nights off for 1 concert in Boston. Am I making sense?

I love this website: Last.fm

Check it out, seriously kicks booty.

And if you’re ever feeling blue: This website will make your heart melt.

Thank’s for that, Max.

Last night I had a dream where every single time I tried to pour tea in my teacup, a tennis ball was in the bottom, which frustrated me to no end. Furthermore, I was never able to take it out! WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?

I’ve been so ridiculously involved in laundry, packing, and internet browsing for airplane tickets and Coldplay tickets today that I only JUST found out that Barack Obama is the presumptive Democratic nominee. I was sitting there watching MSNBC, fuming at the ugly sight of Senator McCain, when…. Breaking News! BARACK OBAMA IS THE PRESUMPTIVE DEMOCRATIC NOMINEE.

There I sat, stiff with excitement, my jaw on the floor, my eyes wide and watery and bright. I was stuck, struck, my insides and my head felt like a whirl of political passion… I didn’t know what to do with myself! So I ran next door to share my excitement with the neighbor boys, who said “Duh” and starred at me all cow-eyed; not quite the response I’d hoped for, but then one of my best friends Andi called me and we squealed on the phone for a good 5 minutes and discussed possible VP candidates the rest of the time. All of a sudden I had this huge moment of clarity. Barack Obama is soon to be our President of the United States of America.

I’m watching the news right now, and here he is. He’s walking out from behind the bright blue curtain toward the podium with U2 playing in the backgroud, his beautiful wife (clad in bright purple) at his side. They are a sight to behold, and I just feel so, so, so proud. I feel so proud of him. Proud of my country, of my generation… It’s amazing when you know that you’re witnessing a historic moment.

In his speech, John McCain used the word “change” 32 times (33 if you count “climate change.”) The backdrop behind him was a bright shade of green with white block letters that read, “A leader we can believe in.” Even Senator McCain has acknowledged the need and desire of the American people for change. Funny thing is, I don’t think McCain knows anything about change… his policies certainly don’t reflect that he does.

Obama’s speech is phenomenal. It’s perfect and passionate and inspirational. Here are some quotes I typed fast enough to capture:

“What you won’t see is a campaign that uses religion as wedge, and patriotism as a bludgeon.”

“America, this is our moment, this is our time, our time to turn the page on the policies of the past…. our time to offer a new direction for this country that we love. I face this challenge with profound humility, and knowledge of my own limitations. But I also face it with limitless faith in the capacity of the American people… I am absolutely certain that generations from now we will be able to look back and see that this was the moment, this was the time that we came together to remake our nation so that it would reflect ourselves…”

I can’t believe that after all of this time, after 16 months… since he introduced himself in Boston as a skinny man with big ears named Barack Obama, since the beginning of “Yes We Can!” and now, finally: “Here Is How.” Let’s all just enjoy this moment. The Obama campaign has issued statements saying that they’re going to take 10 minutes to enjoy their victory. And so now, LET’S PAARTY!

I know it’s been a long time since I last posted, but that isn’t to say I haven’t written… The following segments are partial blog posts that I’ve begun and was unable to publish over the past few days. It had been so long since I wrote this first portion that when I found it and read it, I didn’t even think I was the one who wrote it! The thought crossed my mind that I’d forgotten to log out of my blog account and someone went on and wrote me a letter.  It nearly took the wind out of me…! I thought “Holy shit, who wrote this.  I feel as though this person has known me my whole life…”  ALAS, I have.  I can be SUCH a dummy.

#1:

Dear Erika,
Out of utter confusion as to who youre writing for these days, you chose to begin at the root and write to yourself. To be perfectly honest, it’s past three in the morning and you can’t go to sleep. Lauren is asleep on the couch and you feel slightly jealous of her slow breathing right now…

You have too much going on in your mind to sleep.

#2:

I always like to think that the greatest challenge for a writer is to express themselves when they don’t feel like expressing, and to write when they don’t feel like writing. This exercise is extremely difficult, especially for stubborn people like me who think too much with their hearts. If I don’t feel like doing something, I’ll be damned if I do it. And if I want to accomplish something there is, quite honestly, few things or people that can stop me. I’m hyper tonight so I’ll be jumping around a lot, especially since I don’t feel like writing. At the moment I’m simply spouting off the top of my head so as not to neglect my blogging obligations.

I worked out hardcore this morning and my arms are really sore. I decided that I want to train for a 5k this summer to set my mind on something… as if Boston, John Mayer, Coldplay, summer school, and 2 jobs are not enough… My friend Peter thinks that girls peak at 22, in terms of looks and everything. I refuse to prove him right. How tragic!! That means I’d only have a few years left! But my mom is still beautiful, so I’m not very worried. I exercise, eat a low fat diet, wear sunscreen on my face, perhaps occasionally I drink more than the New York Times science journal recommends but hey. It’s the time and the place.

I gave myself a beautiful manicure today, cleaned out my car, hung out with my bunny, laughed with my roommates, ate vine ripe peaches on the beach, ran up the ridge behind my house… last night i spent the night at Eva’s and we slept waaay in. The alarm went off at 7am but we ended up waking up a 9:30 and I cooked us breakfast (delish.)

Not to freak anyone out, but last night I had a dream that I was like 8 and 3/4 months pregnant. I actually felt preggers, and everyone was commenting on how I looked like I “was going to burst at any moment!” or “wow! talk about a bun in the oven!” What is the DEAL with these dreams? HUH??
I mean, there is no way that I could actually be preggers, but what do the baby dreams mean? They are among the most vivid, auditory, realistic dreams I’ve ever had. What. Da. Deal.

Hugo e-mailed me today I miss that boy!! He lives in England but spent last summer in Sonoma. We met during his last few weeks in the US and we barely parted for his remaining duration. I showed him around, and we and grew to be quite fond of him… it was so cute, I’d call him when I was outside his house and he’d hurry out with his hair wet, with his baseball hat and his “jumper” and sometimes his breakfast or lunch, smelling so fresh and delicious! Hahaha I’m such a goober for recalling all of it but honestly, I was unusually unsettled to see him go.

I should not be permitted to buy peanut butter since I can barely restrain myself from eating it with a spoon.

#3:

Leah, one of my best friends in the whole wide world, highlighted a point I hadn’t considered:

“…you are so passionate and personal and committed to all of the relationships you make in your life. and an animal or a pet doesnt reciprocate that. sure they give you love, and they cuddle, but erika, youre so much deeper than that. its a one sided bond between a human and an animal. youve never been one to buy into relationships that are sugary sweet on the surface and nothing more. you strive for a deeper connection. i think that is why you neglected a little bunny who was soft and cute. nothing more.
i think you will make an incredible mother because you will get to communicate on such a deeper level. you get to put yourself and everything you know into raising your children!
I know you are going to be the BEST mama. “

It’s so awesome when someone says something that genuinely cheers you up. None of the fake, “Oh gee thanks you’ve not made me feel the slightest bit consoled.” None a that. Thank you Leah, darling.

Today I went on a run to clear my head… I waved to the neighbor boys as i took off, struggling with my iPod headphones (damn things never stay in my ears.) I ran up the ridge behind my house and then did 6 long, fast hill repeats. When I ran back to my place, panting and pink on the face, the boys said they had a surprise for me. (”The boys” are, alphabetically: Adam, Britien, Chad & Zach.) Britien’s face looked so excited as i followed him into the house, up the stairs at which point I stopped. I thought I knew what it was, but I tried not to think what I was thinkin’ since if I thought it, and it wasn’t true (how could it be true??) I would feel really let down. I just stood there as he and Adam pulled back the curtains to reveal my bunny. Sampson, alive.

How could it be??! I don’t understand… there is no explaination for this. He survived a week without food or water after either jumping off a balcony (which I don’t think happened) or after escaping the mighty talons of a screech owl or a hawk. I don’t know. It’s a miracle, this bunny is a miracle so I have to keep it and love it with all of my might.

After the boys pulled back the curtain, honestly, a million different things were racing through my mind and I sort of got teary eyed and had to take a minute. I raced to pick up my paycheck and get to Petco so that I could give my bunny a warm bed before dark. He’s resting right now. He seems pretty traumatized, but so happy in his new purple cage. And that water bottle! I never knew how much bunny’s actually loved those little water bottles. Petco even added a turtle to float on the inside of the bottle for aesthetic value. I bought him some treats and a kilo of saw dust and I’m going to make sure he’s completely and totally healthy and clean and organic and loved.

Britien, I’m sorry you sustained a scratch while rescuing Sampson. And I’m sorry I cleaned up the bunny poo and put it in your ash tray… it’s just, you guys were joking about cooking him for dinner and since you can’t do that I thought I’d give you a lil’ somethin’ to remember him by. A million times, thank you for rescuing my bunny.

So. Anyway, I’m the happiest girl in the world. That monkey is gone, and my baby is back : )

This is about to be a lengthy blog post, it’s been a few days since i last wrote and I apologize about that. I’m going to start five days ago and give you the highlight reel of my recent escapades…

Last tuesday my friend Chad and I threw his brother a surprise birthday party, something I had never done before and I have to admit that I took enormous satisfaction from it. I baked a cheesecake and an apple pie, which nearly parished in the back of the oven because I anxiously forgot to push the shelf in… and then my roommate watched me have a panic attack because I’m kind of a perfectionist when it comes to things like that and I had worked so hard on it! Alas, everything was okay. It was slightly dry, but it had a big “A” on it. A for Adam.

I got another job at a surf shop called Moondoggies. It’s awesome, and the people that work there are SO coool. I was late for my interview too, since my car battery died. That’s a whole other story! So annoying. Anyway, I have 2 jobs now and I’ll soon be working 7 days a week, but I have to in order to go to Boston to see where my sister lives!

Last night Zach, Britien and I went on a road trip. I got Saturday off of work, and it’s the last day I wont work for a while so we did a quick mish down to Santa Barbara to visit Lauren. I haven’t partied in a few weeks but I sort of made up for that… I raged it to this awesome band (they played reggae and Rage covers) and Lauren and I jumped in the ocean and it was just an all around eventful night.

I’m watching the movie Finding Neverland and it’s pure magic. I’m totally crying right now, this movie is amazing. It’s just so sad, I mean really. Tragedy. Poor Tinker Bell, it’s just so sad. I’m sobbing!…

Also, my bunny died. Here’s the story: He’s been living out on the balcony because we didn’t have a cage for him and he couldn’t stay inside since he makes a mess, so he lived on our balcony. Yes, in retrospect it was very thoughtless. I’m feel horrible about it. So, the bunny was really annoying at night time. He would flip out and run around and scratch on the sliding glass door as if he wanted to get in. The morning my roomie and I decided the bunny had to be taken to the shelter, we found that it was gone. It disappeared off the second floor balcony because and owl carried it away, and that’s what the bunny was trying to tell us. And I didn’t listen. This is terrible, and I just really feel very, very guilty about it.

Sampson, I’m so sorry.

“Speak truth to power.” Read John Steinbeck, listen to Coldplay.

I just FREAKED OUT by myself in my house because Coldplay is so FREAKING AMAZING and their new album is coming out SO SOOON and tickets are going on sale SOOO SOOON!!!!!! And their new song is SO FUCKING GOOD AND THERE”S A SONG CALLED LOVERS IN JAPAN AND I CAN”T CONTAIN MYSELF RIGHT NOW.

I’ve just gone from crying to laughing in a matter of minutes.

Dear Mom,

I know how much you wish I could have been home for Mothers Day to cuddle with you and watch movies and cook a nice dinner. I wish that I could be there too. I really miss you and I hope that you had a beautiful Mothers Day, full of mimosas and pancakes and those delicious fresh diced strawberries that I can never get enough of.

I hope that today everyone told you what an amazing mother you are. I know that they did, because you are. Everyday I feel blessed and thankful of the things you’ve taught me, from pie crust to perfume, about self-discovery and challenge. I know this year has been a struggle and I promise you it’s all going to feel better really soon.

Look at the 3 beautiful girls you raised, and bask in the feeling! It’s glorious. Step back from the microscope and enjoy the larger picture. There are flaws but they are crazy/beautiful flaws that only contribute to the beauty of our life. We are so lucky. We are so lucky to have you as our mother. When I think of you right now I see all of us and Stormy on Doran beach, hair soaking wet and salty from the ocean, noses runny, with huge grins on our faces. We’re listening to Morcheeba, eating sandwiches on sliced sourdough in our dry, warm clothes. And I’m 10 years old thinking how cool my surfer mom is. Ah! Heaven, absolute heaven.

I love you so much, Mom.

Always,

Erika

Rashell, Bryanne, and Leah are here and I feel like the happiest girl in the entire world.  I was this sort of happy on my 17th birthday…

This is my gorgeous sister Claire, who’s mind is still more beautiful than her smile…

This is Sampson, the bunny that is the love of my life.

Me and my super cool friend McKenna :[]

I hope she’s not weirded out I put this up, but this is my bff Eva and I foud this picture on her computer just now and I think it’s too DANG cute not to post!

The infamous GK, my best friends in the whole wide.

What am I doing right now? What do I write? I have no idea. What is the matter with me…
I’m freting… I’m nervous about nothing. I’m sleepless for no apparent reason. I should feel exhausted right now, I’ve not been able to nod off until about 3 am or later the past few nights, and then I wake up before my alarm goes off. I don’t take naps Ashley I swear! I don’t. I’ve been exercising too… and yet I remain here, awake. Usually insomniacs look like this guy named Ashor that I used to know from Starbucks. Hair messy, eyes dark, face colorless, unfriendly, unhappy, unresponsive… It’s silly that I try to hard to maintain inconspicuous about my insomnia. I mean, I can say I haven’t slept, and maybe I don’t seem quite my cheery self, but who would really guess that the night before I had 3 or 4 hours? And also the night before that and the night before that. Or… maybe, I don’t fool anyone. Just don’t tell me that i look tired. The only thing worse than being tired is to be told you look it.

Today Eva and I went to see Amy play in her softball game and it made me really miss team sports.

I’ve been missing a lot of things lately… My sisters, my parents, Japan (a lot, actually. And I never thought I would miss it either…) I miss my Grandma a lot, too. Humboldt County… And I feel nostalgic for a lot of people.  And the wonderful thing is that as I miss them, they’ve been contacting me.  Hugo, Maria, Hunter, Max, there are more I know there are…

My actions lately have been desperate. I’ve never been one to appear desperate (even in the slightest) and I HATE this turn of events. I hate not knowing why I’m doing what I’m doing, or feeling the way that I feel. I must know.

In a certain sense I feel like, I got over this enormous heartbreak, I composed myself again, stood up tall, traveled through Japan alone for 2 months, and here I stand, I feel strong and independent and happy and I feel like myself and in this arrogant way, I feel like… I am deserving of love. Here I am, ready for it, and I feel frustrated that it’s not finding me. Even I know that love only finds you when you least expect it. I want to fall in love like Alice down the rabbit hole, only without losing sight of myself and my obligations. Is that possible?

But anyway, I’m going to paint pottery instead. I’ve been doing that a lot lately… it’s inexpensive and so, so relaxing and rewarding and it just makes me very happy. It “fulfills.”

Next week my girlfriends are coming to visit me!! I’ve known  these girls since the 2nd grade, it’s so awesome The only thing closer is sisters… but we ARE like family. For Gods sake, the second grade?! We’ve seen each other through everything… THAT is fulfilling too.

I’m really trying to be a good girl.

But honestly, I’ll be a bad girl for this guy…

Its 2:21 as I begin this post, and I’m sitting cross legged on my living room floor with a piece of toast and a pony tail in my hair. I’m also wearing my favorite hot pink tiger shirt… but anyway. My roommate and I found a bunny today. Well, she found it. I only helped her catch it, and I bought the bunny food and now we have a pet. It’s name is Samson the Scoundle.

This evening I found out about my living situation later this year. It’s a sexy little loft, cheap rent, right near downtown. I got it : )

I feel strange.

Strand of words: insomnia, anxiety, pressure, sadness, nostalgia, quiet, destructive, searching, learning, hoping, trying to understand… part of me wants to stay up all night, with hopes of figuring myself out.

You can have knowledge without wisdom, but you can’t have wisdom without knowledge. It’s like the difference between book smarts and street smarts, and there are appropriate times for each. Someone asked me to adopt a viewpoint with the same premise as an “intricate connect the dots picture, without numbers.” Do I need numbers? Not necessarily, or at least I’d like to THINK i dont…. Is this an example of my lack of trust in a bigger plan? I thought that I DID trust. I believe that everything happens for a reason, and everything will turn out as is should, and it will be okay. But I find it difficult to look up into the sky and imagine an enormous, beautiful picture behind the gleaming stars. I mean, I know the space between the stars in the night sky is not empty, I have faith in this because I can feel it… I know that I am here with a purpose–we all are. But I can’t seem to trust that there is already a plan drawn out for me, starring me in the face as a velvety canvas of orbing dots. Or of connect-the-dots, if you will.

How can one have time to be indecisive while the world is still turning and we are lucky enough to be breathing, dancing, loving, eating, walking, laughing and thinking? There is no time to wait for a sign! Tap into your intuition… this is the wonder that keeps the stars apart. That raw, gusty, first instinct is your sign…. it is a gift, and it is my faith. I believe in myself.

I just woke up on the floor of my apartment with a text message and Forrest Gump, so I ate an apple and here I am…

Please, everyone…. SEE FORGETTING SARAH MARSHALL! This video is a song from it, believe it or not it’s incredibly charming in the movie but most likely somewhat strange out of context.

Today I disappeared for a while by myself, because when I feel sad or overwhelmed or lost within myself, I have to do that. I have to feel alone in the world to regain sense of what’s important to me and what’s important in life. Stepping away from the tedious project that becomes our reality is vital for my sanity… when we start taking ourselves too seriously, clarity of mind wanes. Anyway, only one person actually knows where I went or what I saw, because I’m keeping it to myself but it was one of the most beautiful, miraculous moments in my whole life and I feel a sense of renewal.

I really miss my family. I really wanna hang out with my dad and talk, and I wanna cuddle with my mom and enjoy cooking, and I want to drive with my sisters… I really want the three of us to be together so badly. I like the thought of me jumping on claire in the morning and laughing at how her morning smell has never, ever changed. Or sleeping with Ash talking for hours and hours and I miss the way she says my name… it’s kind of like “AIR-RIH-KAH!!” I’m just spouting off here, but I miss her very square thumb nail that was painted a very bold pink while eating a burrito in Humboldt. Crushers games, ACE hardware, Yosemite and Disneyland’s “it’s a beautifa daaay”… “Honda you die.” and “Every body else knooooows”… God, remember spraying sun tan oil on the marble in Mexico and sliding down the corridor? Nutella and fresh squeezed orange juice. Grandma toes, rock sales, climbing the front tree with our bike helmets and REI fleece, Thelma, and the last thing before I ramble forever… this song came on “The Crush” at work (GOD I MISS SARAH AND NO NAME!!!!!!! SO MUCH!!!!!) Anyway, this song made me teary eyed while making a sandwich. Why am I crying lately? I should probably just allow myself.

After getting off the phone with my best friend Molly, I came to a decision to begin to type with the intent of “clearing the air.” For the past few weeks… or even the past month or so, my blogs have not been as truthful and honest and straighfoward as I should maintain. What’s the point of having a blog if I don’t say whats REALLY on my mind? Or how I’m really feeling, or convey the actuality of my current situation? I’ve been vague and ambiguous becuase I’ve been fearful of some people who read my blog knowing the inner workings of my mind. How do I correct this? Do I fill you in on my current situation (which, especially at this point in time, sounds like an episode of Gossip Girls… of which is no ones fault but my own…) No, I don’t feel like recounting the happenings of the past few weeks, or recounting the emotional ups and downs (by “emotional” and “ups and downs”, I’ve been jumping around the upper spectrum of emotions…. from good to great, the difference between the two emotions being my reason for feeling that way. To be more plain, it has a lot to do with the persons of which I feel that way. These emotions are confusing, but I’m probably not as confused as Ishould be feeling. I’ve been slightly scandalous lately, but my I swear my intention is good and my heart is in the right place, and my feelings are genuine. And I hate defending my actions, I mostly refuse to do it so that’s as far as I’ll go. Oh my goodness, I seem to be digging myself a hole of ambiguity deeper than the one I want to correct…. I promise I’m going to speak the truth from here on out.

Honestly, my heart feels like it’s wide open, but in a good way. In a rare way, too. I’ve never been this type before… I feel so open to affection and I’m about to get really corny. I just feel really full of love and I want to share it with someone who will adore me as much as I adore them.

And that’s all. I’ve made my vow of honesty and now I need to go to Blockbuster.