The Result of Perpetual Motion

John,

Since brevity is the soul of wit, I’ll try to keep my silly fan letter brief.  Avoiding the incessant, cliche expressions of fanaticism, I simply want to convey my gratitude.  I say “simply” although, really, I don’t find it in the least bit simple.  

When I was a little girl, jazz and blues music fit like a missing piece in my heart…  as if I hadn’t quite been a complete person until The Allman Brothers, Stevie Ray Vaughn and John Coltrane played through my fathers stereo system.  I felt a sense of overwhelming love and certainty when I first heard this music. I felt certainty and, somehow, knowledge that the love I felt was much greater than I could understand at that time.  

Since then, this music has proved to be the rare gift in my life that always feels right and good and necessary for me to live.  

Of course, my love for music bleeds from jazz and blues into other genres: classic punk, folk music, hip-hop, soul, new-age rock… but jazz and blues are the crux, my core, quintessential and vital to my soul.  Music provides me with my passion; nothing would feel as wonderful or be as beautiful without blues music in my life. Normally I would feel uncertain or scared giving that enormous of a role to any single thing… but that is the magnificence.  I feel safe attributing my fervor and lust for life to the sounds of Miles, B.B., and my favorite Clapton, Page & Beck vinyl.  Their music offers the necessary tools for a fulfilling life; they never, ever fail me.

Here is where I lose my voice.

My love for your guitar renders me speechless, a challenge I hope to overcome in this letter.  

Your music has offered me enormous comfort, has articulated my passion for life and has bestowed upon me a larger capacity for love.  Continuum is a sanctuary, my safe haven, and has such immense depth that it contains the ability to grow and change with me through times of heartbreak and loneliness, then love and strength and everything in between.

If Dwayne, Stevie, Miles, Mr. King, Mr. Davis and Mr. Clapton color my world, then your music spins it into vivid motion.  

You’d play all the songs on the soundtrack of my life.   You’re the voice of the generation that I’m so proud to be a part of, and your music represents the basic change I wish to see in the world. I admire you fervently, ardently, to no end, in that undying “I’ve-got-your-back” sort of way.  

So apparently exuding bold, colorful, unceasing love works.  The world is drawn to you because you’ve learned to steep that love into your music and we return the it in this sort of magnificent, continuous, continuum of a cycle. That is what it’s all about.

Thank you for brightening my life and never, ever letting me down.  And sweet heaven, thank you for The Trio.

Modestly and adoringly always,

Erika Anderson

The cover and contents of Rolling Stone Magazine this month are like… they’re just… it’s like love, or lust or something.  It makes my heart pound and feel all full of happiness.  I’m giddy and smitten over Rolling Stone.

First of all, the cover has pictured: Kirk Hammett, Carlos Santana, Buddy Guy, Eddie Van Halen, Jimmy Page, B.B. King, Omar Rodriguez Lopez and (last and never, ever least) John Mayer.  John Mayer, looking like the sexiest, most perfect man to ever walk the earth.  He’s got this amazing head of dark brown hair, this little smirk on his pretty lips, and he’s wearing his new irezumi tattoo sleeve, a white v-neck and nike air force ones.  Side Note: I’ve seen B.B King and Santana in concert, and now I’m about to see John Mayer, I feel so spoiled-bratty-like.

That said, I’ve had to make a decision not to see Coldplay.  It breaks my heart…. really, it feels like I’ve taken a punch to the gut or something… it hurts. But I can’t do everything.  And I’ve already seen them in concert… BUT THE NEW ALBUM IS SO FREAKING AMAZING IT LEAKED ON THE INTERNET AND I FOUND IT AND OHHHHHHHHHHHH….. but no… I’ll survive without seeing them on tour this year.  I will survive, even if I don’t feel like I will  So since I can’t go see them, Eva and I are going to make a HUGE deal out of the release of their new album, like wait in line for Boo Boo Records to open and then blast it as loud as we can with our eyes closed to pretend like we’re seeing Chris Martin in the living room.

I move in to my new loft soon, it’s so adorable and it will be nice to have my little cubby of a space to call my own.  I will miss my roommates a lot.  I just love them so much, and can you imagine… I found them on CraigsList.com??  Lucky, lucky girl I am.

Back to Rolling Stone:  Statesboro Blues by The Allman Bros. is number 9 greater guitar song of all time.  No. 1 is Johnny B. Goode, Purple Haze no. 2, Crossroads by Cream no. 3.

“Once, on T.V. I saw John Lennon say he wished he could play like me.  I almost fell out of my chair.”
–B.B. King

Killing in the Name by Rage is no. 24 (Tom Morello is a god,) Seven Nation Army is no. 21, and London Calling is no. 48.

John Mayer said,

“[The blues] are so fundamental in me that I have to imagine that it was just born into me.  You either want to hear those notes bend or you don’t.”

“With guitar, you get out what you put in, and it’s the ultimate shield for other people trying to fuckin’ take away your heart and soul.  It’s a completely exposed craft.  There is no facade.”

I mean, I really adore that man.  He’s the absolute most impeccable, indefectable, immaculate, consummate character that I’ve ever imagined.

Play this song before you read my blog post. It’s pure magic.

Coldplay Viva la Vida

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls: I am going to see Coldplay.

I am going to see Coldplay
AND
I’m going to see John Mayer.

And then I’m going to die the happiest girl in the world. OHHHHH MY GOD, I just, I just, have no words for my excitement. The thought of missing either of the two in concert makes me feel heavy and sad and depressed, it makes me feel broken hearted. And so, it must be done. I must imerse myself in their music.

My mind has been toying back and forth with my summer plans….I’ve almost posted my plan a half dozen times, but have stopped myself due to my uncertainty. Alas! I have the plan.

Unfortunately, Boston is out of the picture. We all know why: a sandwich is just as much as a gallon of gas. And I have this new theory working about how a sandwich is human fuel, and maybe it can fuel us just as far of a distance on a bike as a gallon of gas could a car. Depends on the car I guess… depends on the person.

So anyway, no east coast for me this summer. I’m sad, but I had to be practical. A week of vacation means no work hours, no paycheck, in the middle of summer school, costing about $700 dollars, not including opportunity cost. It just wouldn’t be smart, you feel me?

So instead, my summer fun is going to be 2 major concerts here in beautiful Calif. My justification for them is the opportunity cost, and the fact that I’m not paying for an airplane ticket to Boston. Basically, 2 nights off for 2 concerts in California versus 7 nights off for 1 concert in Boston. Am I making sense?

I love this website: Last.fm

Check it out, seriously kicks booty.

And if you’re ever feeling blue: This website will make your heart melt.

Thank’s for that, Max.

Last night I had a dream where every single time I tried to pour tea in my teacup, a tennis ball was in the bottom, which frustrated me to no end. Furthermore, I was never able to take it out! WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?

IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER

1. Benicio del Toro is even sexy as a heroine addict in Things We Lost In The Fire. I love his furled brow and his strong gaze and the way he holds his mouth when he thinks, but most of all I love his full name:

Benicio Monserrate Rafael Del Toro Sanchez

Oh la la.

2. John Mayer. Everyone knows how I feel about this fella…. not much more to be said except for I need to do everything in my power to try and get to Boston in a month.

3. Steven Colbert is truly fearless. He has every right to his arrogance because he really is as amazing as he believes himself to be. If you don’t believe me, watch part one of his speech at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner.

4. Smart, good looking, articulate, clean… who wouldn’t want this man, lover, President, or otherwise?

5&6. Just to clarify, it’s JEmaine, not JERmaine. Yes, I want he and Bret’s collective babies. Though if I had to choose one it’d be Bret. I know, there might seem to be a trend in my choice of tall, dark and handsome men but of course I can never be predictable. That said, I love Bret’s boyish, perhaps slightly elfish face and small frame. But really, it’s his occasional facial hair and moppy head that gets me– and I’m not usually one for the scruffiness.

8. Have I mentioned my love for E.E. Cummings in the past? Perhaps. Anyway, he’s perfect feel, like Impressionism. Abstract and created without rules, just emotion. He’s raw and edgy but sexy and soft at the same time. Like handcuffs. Just hear these lines and try to appreciate :

Humanity i love you
because you would
rather black the boots of
success than enquire whose
soul dangles from his
watch-chain which would
be embarrassing for both
parties and because you
unflinchingly applaud all
songs containing the words
country home and mother
when sung at the old howard
Humanity i love you because
when you're hard up you pawn your
intelligence to buy a drink and when
you're flush your pride keeps
you from the pawn shop and
because you are continually
committing nuisances but more
especially in your own house

Humanity i love you because you
are perpetually putting the secret of
lifer in your pants and forgetting
it's there and sitting down
on it
and because you are
always making poems in the lap
of death Humanity

i hate you

9.

10.

Last night was incredible. I’m still in the “pinch-me” phase of the event… I cannot believe that I saw Bret and Jermaine live, up close, in person. In San Francisco. In the living, breathing, laughing, singing, beautiful sexy hotness that is Flight of the Conchords. You should have seen me before the show, I was embarrassing all of my friends and hooting and hollering a skipping and jumping– we got from Rashell’s house in the Excelsior district to our seats in a half an hour. That’s how excited I was. And when FoTC came on stage, my eyes welled up and a gleam of sweat appeared on my arms and chest and on the back of my neck and a huge grin came across my face and I sort of nearly hyperventilated for a second. That went away eventually but the grin never left my face. Not at any point was I not smiling.

GOD they’re sexy. Oh my god he’s so hot… he’s like a curry… if I tell him how hot he is he’ll think I’m being sexist… he’s so hot he’s making me sexist… asshole! No but really, I shouldn’t even continue about how crazy I am about Bret and Jermaine or people will seriously question my sanity. Let me just say, I’d have either of their children.

My battery is going to die in a second, but here is a movie and some pictures for your viewing pleasure. These are from a party in San Francisco with my friiiends, while my bunny slept in the car with plenty of air and water and berry nibblers and don’t worry I know it sounds terrible but it was only for a few hours and he told me he really enjoyed his stay in the beautiful city of San Francisco so his bunny vacation was constructive.

I kind of went crazy on the videos I just can’t get enough of these guys… I love them more than I love Barack Obama and Carrie Bradshaw, combined. Each video is fabulous, you should watch them. But if you don’t that’s okay too. I guess…. we just won’t be friends any more is all.

I know it’s been a long time since I last posted, but that isn’t to say I haven’t written… The following segments are partial blog posts that I’ve begun and was unable to publish over the past few days. It had been so long since I wrote this first portion that when I found it and read it, I didn’t even think I was the one who wrote it! The thought crossed my mind that I’d forgotten to log out of my blog account and someone went on and wrote me a letter.  It nearly took the wind out of me…! I thought “Holy shit, who wrote this.  I feel as though this person has known me my whole life…”  ALAS, I have.  I can be SUCH a dummy.

#1:

Dear Erika,
Out of utter confusion as to who youre writing for these days, you chose to begin at the root and write to yourself. To be perfectly honest, it’s past three in the morning and you can’t go to sleep. Lauren is asleep on the couch and you feel slightly jealous of her slow breathing right now…

You have too much going on in your mind to sleep.

#2:

I always like to think that the greatest challenge for a writer is to express themselves when they don’t feel like expressing, and to write when they don’t feel like writing. This exercise is extremely difficult, especially for stubborn people like me who think too much with their hearts. If I don’t feel like doing something, I’ll be damned if I do it. And if I want to accomplish something there is, quite honestly, few things or people that can stop me. I’m hyper tonight so I’ll be jumping around a lot, especially since I don’t feel like writing. At the moment I’m simply spouting off the top of my head so as not to neglect my blogging obligations.

I worked out hardcore this morning and my arms are really sore. I decided that I want to train for a 5k this summer to set my mind on something… as if Boston, John Mayer, Coldplay, summer school, and 2 jobs are not enough… My friend Peter thinks that girls peak at 22, in terms of looks and everything. I refuse to prove him right. How tragic!! That means I’d only have a few years left! But my mom is still beautiful, so I’m not very worried. I exercise, eat a low fat diet, wear sunscreen on my face, perhaps occasionally I drink more than the New York Times science journal recommends but hey. It’s the time and the place.

I gave myself a beautiful manicure today, cleaned out my car, hung out with my bunny, laughed with my roommates, ate vine ripe peaches on the beach, ran up the ridge behind my house… last night i spent the night at Eva’s and we slept waaay in. The alarm went off at 7am but we ended up waking up a 9:30 and I cooked us breakfast (delish.)

Not to freak anyone out, but last night I had a dream that I was like 8 and 3/4 months pregnant. I actually felt preggers, and everyone was commenting on how I looked like I “was going to burst at any moment!” or “wow! talk about a bun in the oven!” What is the DEAL with these dreams? HUH??
I mean, there is no way that I could actually be preggers, but what do the baby dreams mean? They are among the most vivid, auditory, realistic dreams I’ve ever had. What. Da. Deal.

Hugo e-mailed me today I miss that boy!! He lives in England but spent last summer in Sonoma. We met during his last few weeks in the US and we barely parted for his remaining duration. I showed him around, and we and grew to be quite fond of him… it was so cute, I’d call him when I was outside his house and he’d hurry out with his hair wet, with his baseball hat and his “jumper” and sometimes his breakfast or lunch, smelling so fresh and delicious! Hahaha I’m such a goober for recalling all of it but honestly, I was unusually unsettled to see him go.

I should not be permitted to buy peanut butter since I can barely restrain myself from eating it with a spoon.

#3:

Today was a fabulously full day of many accomplishments.

First of all, it was my second to last day of school before FINALS! Ahhhh… finally the finale.

Also, it was 97 degrees today and I managed to take my little bra off from underneath my top while reading the newspaper at school, since it wasn’t quite necessary and was only making me hot.

Then I went and worked out at an all womens gym, and now youre thinking “WOW Erika’s gone craazy next she’s going to burn her bra’s and fight the federal government!” But no.

I really enjoyed the womens club, quite honestly. Not overly hormonal, muscle men to hit on me, and i can just run my little heart out in peace.

Then I had my first day at Moondoggie’s, it was AWESOME. LOVE IT. Working full time is’nt going to be so bad…

My bunny licked me for a good 30 seconds today, and he ate a frozen strawberry. And Chad and Britien are passed out on my floor while McKenna and I watch Sex and the City and I LOVE MY ROOMMATE, we’re having a sleep over tomorrow. Complete with wine and pedicures. And sugar. And giggles and pillow fights. Tee Hee

Leah, one of my best friends in the whole wide world, highlighted a point I hadn’t considered:

“…you are so passionate and personal and committed to all of the relationships you make in your life. and an animal or a pet doesnt reciprocate that. sure they give you love, and they cuddle, but erika, youre so much deeper than that. its a one sided bond between a human and an animal. youve never been one to buy into relationships that are sugary sweet on the surface and nothing more. you strive for a deeper connection. i think that is why you neglected a little bunny who was soft and cute. nothing more.
i think you will make an incredible mother because you will get to communicate on such a deeper level. you get to put yourself and everything you know into raising your children!
I know you are going to be the BEST mama. “

It’s so awesome when someone says something that genuinely cheers you up. None of the fake, “Oh gee thanks you’ve not made me feel the slightest bit consoled.” None a that. Thank you Leah, darling.

Today I went on a run to clear my head… I waved to the neighbor boys as i took off, struggling with my iPod headphones (damn things never stay in my ears.) I ran up the ridge behind my house and then did 6 long, fast hill repeats. When I ran back to my place, panting and pink on the face, the boys said they had a surprise for me. (”The boys” are, alphabetically: Adam, Britien, Chad & Zach.) Britien’s face looked so excited as i followed him into the house, up the stairs at which point I stopped. I thought I knew what it was, but I tried not to think what I was thinkin’ since if I thought it, and it wasn’t true (how could it be true??) I would feel really let down. I just stood there as he and Adam pulled back the curtains to reveal my bunny. Sampson, alive.

How could it be??! I don’t understand… there is no explaination for this. He survived a week without food or water after either jumping off a balcony (which I don’t think happened) or after escaping the mighty talons of a screech owl or a hawk. I don’t know. It’s a miracle, this bunny is a miracle so I have to keep it and love it with all of my might.

After the boys pulled back the curtain, honestly, a million different things were racing through my mind and I sort of got teary eyed and had to take a minute. I raced to pick up my paycheck and get to Petco so that I could give my bunny a warm bed before dark. He’s resting right now. He seems pretty traumatized, but so happy in his new purple cage. And that water bottle! I never knew how much bunny’s actually loved those little water bottles. Petco even added a turtle to float on the inside of the bottle for aesthetic value. I bought him some treats and a kilo of saw dust and I’m going to make sure he’s completely and totally healthy and clean and organic and loved.

Britien, I’m sorry you sustained a scratch while rescuing Sampson. And I’m sorry I cleaned up the bunny poo and put it in your ash tray… it’s just, you guys were joking about cooking him for dinner and since you can’t do that I thought I’d give you a lil’ somethin’ to remember him by. A million times, thank you for rescuing my bunny.

So. Anyway, I’m the happiest girl in the world. That monkey is gone, and my baby is back : )

Rashell, Bryanne, and Leah are here and I feel like the happiest girl in the entire world.  I was this sort of happy on my 17th birthday…

This is my gorgeous sister Claire, who’s mind is still more beautiful than her smile…

This is Sampson, the bunny that is the love of my life.

Me and my super cool friend McKenna :[]

I hope she’s not weirded out I put this up, but this is my bff Eva and I foud this picture on her computer just now and I think it’s too DANG cute not to post!

The infamous GK, my best friends in the whole wide.

What am I doing right now? What do I write? I have no idea. What is the matter with me…
I’m freting… I’m nervous about nothing. I’m sleepless for no apparent reason. I should feel exhausted right now, I’ve not been able to nod off until about 3 am or later the past few nights, and then I wake up before my alarm goes off. I don’t take naps Ashley I swear! I don’t. I’ve been exercising too… and yet I remain here, awake. Usually insomniacs look like this guy named Ashor that I used to know from Starbucks. Hair messy, eyes dark, face colorless, unfriendly, unhappy, unresponsive… It’s silly that I try to hard to maintain inconspicuous about my insomnia. I mean, I can say I haven’t slept, and maybe I don’t seem quite my cheery self, but who would really guess that the night before I had 3 or 4 hours? And also the night before that and the night before that. Or… maybe, I don’t fool anyone. Just don’t tell me that i look tired. The only thing worse than being tired is to be told you look it.

Today Eva and I went to see Amy play in her softball game and it made me really miss team sports.

I’ve been missing a lot of things lately… My sisters, my parents, Japan (a lot, actually. And I never thought I would miss it either…) I miss my Grandma a lot, too. Humboldt County… And I feel nostalgic for a lot of people.  And the wonderful thing is that as I miss them, they’ve been contacting me.  Hugo, Maria, Hunter, Max, there are more I know there are…

My actions lately have been desperate. I’ve never been one to appear desperate (even in the slightest) and I HATE this turn of events. I hate not knowing why I’m doing what I’m doing, or feeling the way that I feel. I must know.

In a certain sense I feel like, I got over this enormous heartbreak, I composed myself again, stood up tall, traveled through Japan alone for 2 months, and here I stand, I feel strong and independent and happy and I feel like myself and in this arrogant way, I feel like… I am deserving of love. Here I am, ready for it, and I feel frustrated that it’s not finding me. Even I know that love only finds you when you least expect it. I want to fall in love like Alice down the rabbit hole, only without losing sight of myself and my obligations. Is that possible?

But anyway, I’m going to paint pottery instead. I’ve been doing that a lot lately… it’s inexpensive and so, so relaxing and rewarding and it just makes me very happy. It “fulfills.”

Next week my girlfriends are coming to visit me!! I’ve known  these girls since the 2nd grade, it’s so awesome The only thing closer is sisters… but we ARE like family. For Gods sake, the second grade?! We’ve seen each other through everything… THAT is fulfilling too.

I’m really trying to be a good girl.

But honestly, I’ll be a bad girl for this guy…