The Result of Perpetual Motion

Titled as such because I have a terrible sunburn.

I’m excited about lots of things right now.  Firstly, my new, huge Obama HOPE poster.  Amy got it for me and in all honesty it’s probably one of the coolest things that I own.  The weirdest thing will be if/when he gets elected because then I’ll have a poster of the President of the United States of America in my room, starring at me while I sleep.  Telling me to hope.  Which, by the way, I keep having this reoccurring dream that I speak with Michelle Obama and I look her in the face and she’s nearly crying and I tell her that I KNOW that her husband will be elected, I tell her that I’m one hundred percent certain, and she doesn’t believe me.

Another thing that I’m excited about is the pot that I painted the other day… it’s a latte mug, essentially a big bowl with a handle on it.  I painted the inside neon green, the outside neon blue, and I dripped light pink with blue specks from the rim of the cup into the inside and down the outside, and then I turned the mug upside down and dripped bright yellow with red specks in the opposite direction and it’s going the be amazing.

A few other things that I’m excited about are: seeing my little sister, John Mayer, cross country camp and visiting home at the end of the month.  I think I need to find another job, a single job as a server somewhere because the money is much better per hour, but I don’t know if I could really bring myself to quit either of my jobs.  I also need to make a doctors appointment because my feminine “patterns” have been off kilter for over a year now, and I need to quite procrastinating my health… not all is well. Does getting a comfy bed fall into the same category?  Because sleeping on a futon is becoming increasingly lame.

I’m happy but anti-social, alone but not lonely and I quite like it.

The cover and contents of Rolling Stone Magazine this month are like… they’re just… it’s like love, or lust or something.  It makes my heart pound and feel all full of happiness.  I’m giddy and smitten over Rolling Stone.

First of all, the cover has pictured: Kirk Hammett, Carlos Santana, Buddy Guy, Eddie Van Halen, Jimmy Page, B.B. King, Omar Rodriguez Lopez and (last and never, ever least) John Mayer.  John Mayer, looking like the sexiest, most perfect man to ever walk the earth.  He’s got this amazing head of dark brown hair, this little smirk on his pretty lips, and he’s wearing his new irezumi tattoo sleeve, a white v-neck and nike air force ones.  Side Note: I’ve seen B.B King and Santana in concert, and now I’m about to see John Mayer, I feel so spoiled-bratty-like.

That said, I’ve had to make a decision not to see Coldplay.  It breaks my heart…. really, it feels like I’ve taken a punch to the gut or something… it hurts. But I can’t do everything.  And I’ve already seen them in concert… BUT THE NEW ALBUM IS SO FREAKING AMAZING IT LEAKED ON THE INTERNET AND I FOUND IT AND OHHHHHHHHHHHH….. but no… I’ll survive without seeing them on tour this year.  I will survive, even if I don’t feel like I will  So since I can’t go see them, Eva and I are going to make a HUGE deal out of the release of their new album, like wait in line for Boo Boo Records to open and then blast it as loud as we can with our eyes closed to pretend like we’re seeing Chris Martin in the living room.

I move in to my new loft soon, it’s so adorable and it will be nice to have my little cubby of a space to call my own.  I will miss my roommates a lot.  I just love them so much, and can you imagine… I found them on CraigsList.com??  Lucky, lucky girl I am.

Back to Rolling Stone:  Statesboro Blues by The Allman Bros. is number 9 greater guitar song of all time.  No. 1 is Johnny B. Goode, Purple Haze no. 2, Crossroads by Cream no. 3.

“Once, on T.V. I saw John Lennon say he wished he could play like me.  I almost fell out of my chair.”
–B.B. King

Killing in the Name by Rage is no. 24 (Tom Morello is a god,) Seven Nation Army is no. 21, and London Calling is no. 48.

John Mayer said,

“[The blues] are so fundamental in me that I have to imagine that it was just born into me.  You either want to hear those notes bend or you don’t.”

“With guitar, you get out what you put in, and it’s the ultimate shield for other people trying to fuckin’ take away your heart and soul.  It’s a completely exposed craft.  There is no facade.”

I mean, I really adore that man.  He’s the absolute most impeccable, indefectable, immaculate, consummate character that I’ve ever imagined.

I know it’s been a long time since I last posted, but that isn’t to say I haven’t written… The following segments are partial blog posts that I’ve begun and was unable to publish over the past few days. It had been so long since I wrote this first portion that when I found it and read it, I didn’t even think I was the one who wrote it! The thought crossed my mind that I’d forgotten to log out of my blog account and someone went on and wrote me a letter.  It nearly took the wind out of me…! I thought “Holy shit, who wrote this.  I feel as though this person has known me my whole life…”  ALAS, I have.  I can be SUCH a dummy.

#1:

Dear Erika,
Out of utter confusion as to who youre writing for these days, you chose to begin at the root and write to yourself. To be perfectly honest, it’s past three in the morning and you can’t go to sleep. Lauren is asleep on the couch and you feel slightly jealous of her slow breathing right now…

You have too much going on in your mind to sleep.

#2:

I always like to think that the greatest challenge for a writer is to express themselves when they don’t feel like expressing, and to write when they don’t feel like writing. This exercise is extremely difficult, especially for stubborn people like me who think too much with their hearts. If I don’t feel like doing something, I’ll be damned if I do it. And if I want to accomplish something there is, quite honestly, few things or people that can stop me. I’m hyper tonight so I’ll be jumping around a lot, especially since I don’t feel like writing. At the moment I’m simply spouting off the top of my head so as not to neglect my blogging obligations.

I worked out hardcore this morning and my arms are really sore. I decided that I want to train for a 5k this summer to set my mind on something… as if Boston, John Mayer, Coldplay, summer school, and 2 jobs are not enough… My friend Peter thinks that girls peak at 22, in terms of looks and everything. I refuse to prove him right. How tragic!! That means I’d only have a few years left! But my mom is still beautiful, so I’m not very worried. I exercise, eat a low fat diet, wear sunscreen on my face, perhaps occasionally I drink more than the New York Times science journal recommends but hey. It’s the time and the place.

I gave myself a beautiful manicure today, cleaned out my car, hung out with my bunny, laughed with my roommates, ate vine ripe peaches on the beach, ran up the ridge behind my house… last night i spent the night at Eva’s and we slept waaay in. The alarm went off at 7am but we ended up waking up a 9:30 and I cooked us breakfast (delish.)

Not to freak anyone out, but last night I had a dream that I was like 8 and 3/4 months pregnant. I actually felt preggers, and everyone was commenting on how I looked like I “was going to burst at any moment!” or “wow! talk about a bun in the oven!” What is the DEAL with these dreams? HUH??
I mean, there is no way that I could actually be preggers, but what do the baby dreams mean? They are among the most vivid, auditory, realistic dreams I’ve ever had. What. Da. Deal.

Hugo e-mailed me today I miss that boy!! He lives in England but spent last summer in Sonoma. We met during his last few weeks in the US and we barely parted for his remaining duration. I showed him around, and we and grew to be quite fond of him… it was so cute, I’d call him when I was outside his house and he’d hurry out with his hair wet, with his baseball hat and his “jumper” and sometimes his breakfast or lunch, smelling so fresh and delicious! Hahaha I’m such a goober for recalling all of it but honestly, I was unusually unsettled to see him go.

I should not be permitted to buy peanut butter since I can barely restrain myself from eating it with a spoon.

#3:

This is about to be a lengthy blog post, it’s been a few days since i last wrote and I apologize about that. I’m going to start five days ago and give you the highlight reel of my recent escapades…

Last tuesday my friend Chad and I threw his brother a surprise birthday party, something I had never done before and I have to admit that I took enormous satisfaction from it. I baked a cheesecake and an apple pie, which nearly parished in the back of the oven because I anxiously forgot to push the shelf in… and then my roommate watched me have a panic attack because I’m kind of a perfectionist when it comes to things like that and I had worked so hard on it! Alas, everything was okay. It was slightly dry, but it had a big “A” on it. A for Adam.

I got another job at a surf shop called Moondoggies. It’s awesome, and the people that work there are SO coool. I was late for my interview too, since my car battery died. That’s a whole other story! So annoying. Anyway, I have 2 jobs now and I’ll soon be working 7 days a week, but I have to in order to go to Boston to see where my sister lives!

Last night Zach, Britien and I went on a road trip. I got Saturday off of work, and it’s the last day I wont work for a while so we did a quick mish down to Santa Barbara to visit Lauren. I haven’t partied in a few weeks but I sort of made up for that… I raged it to this awesome band (they played reggae and Rage covers) and Lauren and I jumped in the ocean and it was just an all around eventful night.

I’m watching the movie Finding Neverland and it’s pure magic. I’m totally crying right now, this movie is amazing. It’s just so sad, I mean really. Tragedy. Poor Tinker Bell, it’s just so sad. I’m sobbing!…

Also, my bunny died. Here’s the story: He’s been living out on the balcony because we didn’t have a cage for him and he couldn’t stay inside since he makes a mess, so he lived on our balcony. Yes, in retrospect it was very thoughtless. I’m feel horrible about it. So, the bunny was really annoying at night time. He would flip out and run around and scratch on the sliding glass door as if he wanted to get in. The morning my roomie and I decided the bunny had to be taken to the shelter, we found that it was gone. It disappeared off the second floor balcony because and owl carried it away, and that’s what the bunny was trying to tell us. And I didn’t listen. This is terrible, and I just really feel very, very guilty about it.

Sampson, I’m so sorry.

“Speak truth to power.” Read John Steinbeck, listen to Coldplay.

I just FREAKED OUT by myself in my house because Coldplay is so FREAKING AMAZING and their new album is coming out SO SOOON and tickets are going on sale SOOO SOOON!!!!!! And their new song is SO FUCKING GOOD AND THERE”S A SONG CALLED LOVERS IN JAPAN AND I CAN”T CONTAIN MYSELF RIGHT NOW.

I’ve just gone from crying to laughing in a matter of minutes.

Dear Mom,

I know how much you wish I could have been home for Mothers Day to cuddle with you and watch movies and cook a nice dinner. I wish that I could be there too. I really miss you and I hope that you had a beautiful Mothers Day, full of mimosas and pancakes and those delicious fresh diced strawberries that I can never get enough of.

I hope that today everyone told you what an amazing mother you are. I know that they did, because you are. Everyday I feel blessed and thankful of the things you’ve taught me, from pie crust to perfume, about self-discovery and challenge. I know this year has been a struggle and I promise you it’s all going to feel better really soon.

Look at the 3 beautiful girls you raised, and bask in the feeling! It’s glorious. Step back from the microscope and enjoy the larger picture. There are flaws but they are crazy/beautiful flaws that only contribute to the beauty of our life. We are so lucky. We are so lucky to have you as our mother. When I think of you right now I see all of us and Stormy on Doran beach, hair soaking wet and salty from the ocean, noses runny, with huge grins on our faces. We’re listening to Morcheeba, eating sandwiches on sliced sourdough in our dry, warm clothes. And I’m 10 years old thinking how cool my surfer mom is. Ah! Heaven, absolute heaven.

I love you so much, Mom.

Always,

Erika

…and so it begins.

My sister comes in 28 days, and this is about to be a crAAAzy month.

Tomorrow morning I’m waking up early like I used to about a month ago or so. I have hard boiled eggs in the fridge and I’m breaking out the protein powder and miso soup… i’m whippin’ it good. I’ve put on a couple.

My mom called me today and told me she thought I needed her, and said that she’d come down this weekend if she was right about that. I don’t know if I need my mommy or not! I have a hard time accepting support and asking for help. She knows that, so I think thats why she offered so nicely… I guess sometimes we all need our mommys.

The boys across the street are drinking but I’m going to bed, tired, sober, and naked and it feels so gooood.

What am I doing right now? What do I write? I have no idea. What is the matter with me…
I’m freting… I’m nervous about nothing. I’m sleepless for no apparent reason. I should feel exhausted right now, I’ve not been able to nod off until about 3 am or later the past few nights, and then I wake up before my alarm goes off. I don’t take naps Ashley I swear! I don’t. I’ve been exercising too… and yet I remain here, awake. Usually insomniacs look like this guy named Ashor that I used to know from Starbucks. Hair messy, eyes dark, face colorless, unfriendly, unhappy, unresponsive… It’s silly that I try to hard to maintain inconspicuous about my insomnia. I mean, I can say I haven’t slept, and maybe I don’t seem quite my cheery self, but who would really guess that the night before I had 3 or 4 hours? And also the night before that and the night before that. Or… maybe, I don’t fool anyone. Just don’t tell me that i look tired. The only thing worse than being tired is to be told you look it.

Today Eva and I went to see Amy play in her softball game and it made me really miss team sports.

I’ve been missing a lot of things lately… My sisters, my parents, Japan (a lot, actually. And I never thought I would miss it either…) I miss my Grandma a lot, too. Humboldt County… And I feel nostalgic for a lot of people.  And the wonderful thing is that as I miss them, they’ve been contacting me.  Hugo, Maria, Hunter, Max, there are more I know there are…

My actions lately have been desperate. I’ve never been one to appear desperate (even in the slightest) and I HATE this turn of events. I hate not knowing why I’m doing what I’m doing, or feeling the way that I feel. I must know.

In a certain sense I feel like, I got over this enormous heartbreak, I composed myself again, stood up tall, traveled through Japan alone for 2 months, and here I stand, I feel strong and independent and happy and I feel like myself and in this arrogant way, I feel like… I am deserving of love. Here I am, ready for it, and I feel frustrated that it’s not finding me. Even I know that love only finds you when you least expect it. I want to fall in love like Alice down the rabbit hole, only without losing sight of myself and my obligations. Is that possible?

But anyway, I’m going to paint pottery instead. I’ve been doing that a lot lately… it’s inexpensive and so, so relaxing and rewarding and it just makes me very happy. It “fulfills.”

Next week my girlfriends are coming to visit me!! I’ve known  these girls since the 2nd grade, it’s so awesome The only thing closer is sisters… but we ARE like family. For Gods sake, the second grade?! We’ve seen each other through everything… THAT is fulfilling too.

I’m really trying to be a good girl.

But honestly, I’ll be a bad girl for this guy…

Its 2:21 as I begin this post, and I’m sitting cross legged on my living room floor with a piece of toast and a pony tail in my hair. I’m also wearing my favorite hot pink tiger shirt… but anyway. My roommate and I found a bunny today. Well, she found it. I only helped her catch it, and I bought the bunny food and now we have a pet. It’s name is Samson the Scoundle.

This evening I found out about my living situation later this year. It’s a sexy little loft, cheap rent, right near downtown. I got it : )

I feel strange.

Strand of words: insomnia, anxiety, pressure, sadness, nostalgia, quiet, destructive, searching, learning, hoping, trying to understand… part of me wants to stay up all night, with hopes of figuring myself out.

You can have knowledge without wisdom, but you can’t have wisdom without knowledge. It’s like the difference between book smarts and street smarts, and there are appropriate times for each. Someone asked me to adopt a viewpoint with the same premise as an “intricate connect the dots picture, without numbers.” Do I need numbers? Not necessarily, or at least I’d like to THINK i dont…. Is this an example of my lack of trust in a bigger plan? I thought that I DID trust. I believe that everything happens for a reason, and everything will turn out as is should, and it will be okay. But I find it difficult to look up into the sky and imagine an enormous, beautiful picture behind the gleaming stars. I mean, I know the space between the stars in the night sky is not empty, I have faith in this because I can feel it… I know that I am here with a purpose–we all are. But I can’t seem to trust that there is already a plan drawn out for me, starring me in the face as a velvety canvas of orbing dots. Or of connect-the-dots, if you will.

How can one have time to be indecisive while the world is still turning and we are lucky enough to be breathing, dancing, loving, eating, walking, laughing and thinking? There is no time to wait for a sign! Tap into your intuition… this is the wonder that keeps the stars apart. That raw, gusty, first instinct is your sign…. it is a gift, and it is my faith. I believe in myself.

I just woke up on the floor of my apartment with a text message and Forrest Gump, so I ate an apple and here I am…

Please, everyone…. SEE FORGETTING SARAH MARSHALL! This video is a song from it, believe it or not it’s incredibly charming in the movie but most likely somewhat strange out of context.

Today I disappeared for a while by myself, because when I feel sad or overwhelmed or lost within myself, I have to do that. I have to feel alone in the world to regain sense of what’s important to me and what’s important in life. Stepping away from the tedious project that becomes our reality is vital for my sanity… when we start taking ourselves too seriously, clarity of mind wanes. Anyway, only one person actually knows where I went or what I saw, because I’m keeping it to myself but it was one of the most beautiful, miraculous moments in my whole life and I feel a sense of renewal.

I really miss my family. I really wanna hang out with my dad and talk, and I wanna cuddle with my mom and enjoy cooking, and I want to drive with my sisters… I really want the three of us to be together so badly. I like the thought of me jumping on claire in the morning and laughing at how her morning smell has never, ever changed. Or sleeping with Ash talking for hours and hours and I miss the way she says my name… it’s kind of like “AIR-RIH-KAH!!” I’m just spouting off here, but I miss her very square thumb nail that was painted a very bold pink while eating a burrito in Humboldt. Crushers games, ACE hardware, Yosemite and Disneyland’s “it’s a beautifa daaay”… “Honda you die.” and “Every body else knooooows”… God, remember spraying sun tan oil on the marble in Mexico and sliding down the corridor? Nutella and fresh squeezed orange juice. Grandma toes, rock sales, climbing the front tree with our bike helmets and REI fleece, Thelma, and the last thing before I ramble forever… this song came on “The Crush” at work (GOD I MISS SARAH AND NO NAME!!!!!!! SO MUCH!!!!!) Anyway, this song made me teary eyed while making a sandwich. Why am I crying lately? I should probably just allow myself.

I’m sitting here on someone else’s computer watching Garden State practicing nearly every nervous twitch that I have. I keep pausing as I scour the Internet for news and stories, hoping for attention via Myspace, to twist at the hair behind my ear, to bit the skin around my nails, to trace my fingers across and around my hands in a soft, symmetrical way, and to smell my wrist because my natural scent is calming to me (I know that probably sounds really strange but I’ve done it since I was a toddler, I smell my wrist when I’m nervous. I’ve never met anyone like me. I’d like to think there’s a biological reason but I’m really not sure that there is.)

I don’t have anything to say.

I don’t like my job… I think I might quit and I’m not a quitter so it’s kind of a big deal. The ma & pa thing doesn’t work for me. I need more organization and I don’t like feeling like someones bitch and I also don’t appreciate being yelled at and feeling like I was 11 years old again. But I loved 11… Georgia Underwater

Amy and I forgot to bring the shop sign in when we closed and someone stole it and the owner kind of flipped out. It was scary and funny at the same time because he let me have it and then he huffed and puffed around with a silly angry-face and he kept dropping things which made it that much more funny because he would pick them up and mutter bad words under his breath and stomp away and then he sliced a whole giant thing of Provolone even though we didnt need it! So silly… and it turns out the Salon next door grabbed the sign for us. Soooo silly.

I found my favorite shoes today, just now… Some people think that they’re Crocks and I hate when people think that! They have a resemblance, I”ll admit, but they’re Dansco’s and they’re mom shoes and I love them because they make me slightly taller and they make me feel like Susan Gansel, who is the kind of mom that I want to be someday, only slightly more touchy-feely affectionate.

I was excited to hear from Hugo a few days ago.

I’m rambling. Anyway I have to go. Good day!

Yesterday I got a manicure and went on a hike because I got my first paycheck and I thought I’d treat myself. Jeeze my mind is stuck right now. Mainly I’m stressing about school… next semester I’m doing accelerated courses; I can’t handle this long, drawn out stuff again.

At work my friend Peter and I were talking about Aries, since we’re both Aries.  For some reason, he’s kind of like the male version of me so I found myself gaining lots of insight about myself from listening to him.  We’re loyal to a fault, but are very cautious with our hearts and fall in love rarely because it can take us years of our life to recuperate from loss.  For friends and comfort we’re strongly attracted to our own sign, and many Aries have the same shape eyebrow that he and I have.  How weird is that?

AHHHhhh my writing is so bad lately and I don’t know what so say about it… I don’t know what to say because I can’t say how I feel out of fear that some people I don’t want to know my feelings read my blog.  But I began this blog with a commitment to integrity, that’s the only way it remains the least bit interesting.  Written words don’t make my feelings any more real than they already are,

“[Be] aware that what is fundamentally mysterious doesn’t become any less mysterious because we’ve put it into words. ‘Words, words, as if all worlds were there.’ Which is to say, a menu won’t fill our bellies; a love poem isn’t a kiss.”

I could talk and talk and talk, write and write and ramble on and on, I could attempt to decipher my feelings and phycoanalyze my actions but I don’t really want to.  It takes too much time and energy when only a few simple, brief lines need to be said………  And I just deleted the whole end of this blog post. I fucking HATE that I have to censor myself, but I do.  Sorry everybody.