epiphanys, Friends, Growth, Home for the Holidays, insomnia, Life, love

A Late Night Love Letter

Right now it’s pretty early in the morning. I should be in bed, but I can’t sleep. I’m wearing leg warmers, an oversized sweatshirt and I just realized that I forgot to remove a tiara from my hair so I look pretty quirky. Rayna and I stayed up until 4 in the morning last night talking about our 2 and a half year plan… I really should feel tired. In a nutshell, we’re going to New York in 2 and 1/2 years. Its exciting! It really is…

Heart-to-hearts talks with Rayna are like soul food. Why am I always suprised when i feel enlightened to a different way of looking at something? She told me to analyze the people I love most in my life (my close friends and family) and get a hold of exactly why I love them so much. When you really get a handle on the things about the people in your inner-circle that make you love and appreciate them, maybe then you can start to understand your own unique laws of attraction. It helps you to understand yourself when you understand why you chose your “family of choice”.

My friends are INDEED my family of choice. Its such a different feeling to love friends than it is to love family. I find it difficult to express my gratitude for my friends in words. Essentially without them, i am nothing at all in the world. Although I tend to be dangerously independent most of the time, I can only accomplish this because of them. My sisters and my friends, collectively, are my rock and the stability upon which I live my life. Why do I always seem to test the people that I love most in the world? I put distance between myself and them, as if to see if they’ll endure. Honestly, to see if I can endure. And I find that i can, but I NEED them to endure as well or else my movements around the globe are pointless, and my choices in life don’t add up.
A home is no geographical point on a map, its where my people are. My friends; the people who I’m stuck with. THANK GOD I’M STUCK WITH THEM. Does that sound negative? Allow me to explain; My life is fulfilling because they won’t let me run away… I’m a person who tends to run from intimacy and I can’t help it sometimes. I try to keep from doing it! I feel on the inside its like i’m begging for the person i’m running from to say, “hey wait a minute! come back here right this second, i love you unconditionally…” I need them to work with me, love me regardless. But i can’t ask for that… who the hell will keep loving me even after i push them away repeatedly? indefinately my friends do…they give me that feeling of security, I don’t ever doubt them. I need to return the favor with more fervor, but I hope they know how deep their friendship runs and the love they have instilled in me. You know who you are and I’m grateful for you more than words will do justice.

My trust and love, once gained, is loyal, strong and nearly impossible to lose. The thing about it is, it takes a lot of patience and hard work to gain it. This, I’ve concluded, is why I have the amazing circle of friends that I do; They love me in the same, inextinguishable, enduring way that I love them.

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