epiphanys, Friends, Growth, Home for the Holidays, insomnia, Life, love

A Late Night Love Letter

Right now it’s pretty early in the morning. I should be in bed, but I can’t sleep. I’m wearing leg warmers, an oversized sweatshirt and I just realized that I forgot to remove a tiara from my hair so I look pretty quirky. Rayna and I stayed up until 4 in the morning last night talking about our 2 and a half year plan… I really should feel tired. In a nutshell, we’re going to New York in 2 and 1/2 years. Its exciting! It really is…

Heart-to-hearts talks with Rayna are like soul food. Why am I always suprised when i feel enlightened to a different way of looking at something? She told me to analyze the people I love most in my life (my close friends and family) and get a hold of exactly why I love them so much. When you really get a handle on the things about the people in your inner-circle that make you love and appreciate them, maybe then you can start to understand your own unique laws of attraction. It helps you to understand yourself when you understand why you chose your “family of choice”.

My friends are INDEED my family of choice. Its such a different feeling to love friends than it is to love family. I find it difficult to express my gratitude for my friends in words. Essentially without them, i am nothing at all in the world. Although I tend to be dangerously independent most of the time, I can only accomplish this because of them. My sisters and my friends, collectively, are my rock and the stability upon which I live my life. Why do I always seem to test the people that I love most in the world? I put distance between myself and them, as if to see if they’ll endure. Honestly, to see if I can endure. And I find that i can, but I NEED them to endure as well or else my movements around the globe are pointless, and my choices in life don’t add up.
A home is no geographical point on a map, its where my people are. My friends; the people who I’m stuck with. THANK GOD I’M STUCK WITH THEM. Does that sound negative? Allow me to explain; My life is fulfilling because they won’t let me run away… I’m a person who tends to run from intimacy and I can’t help it sometimes. I try to keep from doing it! I feel on the inside its like i’m begging for the person i’m running from to say, “hey wait a minute! come back here right this second, i love you unconditionally…” I need them to work with me, love me regardless. But i can’t ask for that… who the hell will keep loving me even after i push them away repeatedly? indefinately my friends do…they give me that feeling of security, I don’t ever doubt them. I need to return the favor with more fervor, but I hope they know how deep their friendship runs and the love they have instilled in me. You know who you are and I’m grateful for you more than words will do justice.

My trust and love, once gained, is loyal, strong and nearly impossible to lose. The thing about it is, it takes a lot of patience and hard work to gain it. This, I’ve concluded, is why I have the amazing circle of friends that I do; They love me in the same, inextinguishable, enduring way that I love them.

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Home for the Holidays, Life, San Luis Obispo, Smile, Thoughts

I HAVE A ROOF

Yesterday my dad and i drove to San Luis Obispo to check her out, and to attempt to put my mind at ease since i’ve basically been freaking out about finding a place to live in time for school to start. After a sleepless night last night due to stress-induced insomnia, the trip was a huge success and I have a place to live!

I’m so excited about this place. I get really good “vibes”, if you know what I mean. It feels right and good, and like it SHOULD feel. Now i’m just a little bit bummed that I can’t seem to get down there before this weekend! I’d like to go hang out with Eva and find a job before school starts, but it looks like I’ll only have a few days to do that. Well… I guess it can take as long as i want it to, in terms of finding a job. And in terms of Eva… I get to hang out with her all the time so thats not a problem either. So official move in date is the 19th with my mommy!

I still have a long list of things i need to do, and stuff I need to get but none of that will be delt with in this place (meaning my blog site.) All i want to say is that i’m really excited to begin my life. In my opinion, this is where real life begins. Here and now, Japan was like some kind of twisted vacation and now i’m ready to face the music and grow up. School is my main focus, for real. I’m saying that as a sort of “note-to-self”… I can’t afford to get side-tracked. Tonight my dad gave me a brief, “no parties, no boys, no fucking around Erika” type of talk and he’s right!… to a certain extent. No going out to play until my homework is done! As for boys… who knows but recently i’ve been suprisingly distracted by a certain boy and i’m enjoying it.

I feel like i’m soaring, like i’m in a gigantic up-swing and I’m plan on keeping this going for as long a possible. That means hard work for balance and i’m willing to put in the time. This is exciting, i’m not scared to move anymore and i’m in the place i need to be to succeed… and i WILL.

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Beryl Markham, Chapelle, Chaplin, Home for the Holidays, Mark Twain, Neruda, Obama, Sienna Miller, The Beatles, Thoughts

Ten Things

chaplinCharlie Chaplin:  Obviously! A comical genius. Timeless and always entertaining. I have a deep love for Charlie because he makes me laugh, even decades later, time and again. He’s cute, too.

obamaBarack Obama:  The first time a politician makes me want to hear him speak (as opposed to feeling inclined to.)  Sometimes he even gets me a little misty eyed…  the feeling of being inspired by a presidential candidate is similar to and just as surprising as first love.  He’s articulate and clean; I’m smitten!

siennaSienna Miller:  My personal fashion icon and girl-crush.  There may be no end to what I would do for her closet or her legs. Plus, she makes me want to be a blond… and that’s saying a lot.

Joey:  Because he was my first love, and he broke my heart.  This is not to commend him or pity him, but to acknowledge him as a momumental person in my life that I felt would be really random and equally appropriate to mention.  Even to this day he’s the only boy to really catch me and now I think of him seldomly and fondly. 

beryl markhamBeryl Markham:  Utterly the most influential historical figure for the person that I am today.  She’s my hero and my idol, even Wonder Woman comes second.

mark twainMark Twain:  Literary genius, one of my biggest inspirations. I admire his honesty, wit and ferocity.  He’s capable of pulling me out writers block and is the only man with facial hair I’ll ever love… besides my dad.

Maria Santana:  My guardian angel…  she saved me and took me under her wing in Tokyo and I will always be grateful for her.  One of those people you have a brief but life-changing encounter with.  If I’m ever down and out, I’ll remember her and know that everything will get better soon.

nerudaPablo Neruda:  For a girl who can be such a “tough-catch,” femme-fatal sort, this poet is capable of reminding me of how it feels to be in love; he makes me want it.  Not even my old journals can do that.

chapelleDave Chapelle:  All encompassing comedian of our time.  If you can’t laugh to Dave, I’m not sure I can be friends with you.  This is serious!

beatlesThe Beatles:  Music of my life. Timeless and always appropriate… when there is nothing, there is The Beatles. And then there is everything. Cliche, but honestly, they’re rejuvenating like sex.

THE END 🙂  

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Change, Growth, Home for the Holidays, Life, Sonoma, Starbucks

“There is nothing so stable as change.”

As of lately, I really need to post more often… i’m sorry!

 I had my last day at Starbucks a few days ago and I was bummed on it.  Starbucks was my first job ever, and it became a lot more to me than just hourly wage.  I made some amazing friends, not only coworkers but customers as well.  I was working there when not much felt right and well in my life; I always felt good at my job and it served as a healthy distraction for me during some tough times.  However, its time to move on and i’m ready for this change.

I drove Ashley to the airport last night. She’s heading back to Boston and her friend went with her.  It was sad to say goodbye… i’m always really terrible at goodbyes! I think I feel uncomfortable if i let myself get emotional or acknowledging that i may not see the person for a long time, or in some cases ever again.  I prefer the lighthearted TTFN, as Tigger would call it (Ta Ta For Now).

My sister and have such a complex, amazing relationship.  In some ways, i can’t imagine us being more different from each other.  We can be polar opposites, like 2 sides of a coin.  But in the same respect, you have to have the heads and the tails for it to be a quarter. We need one another, and even though we can be so different, we both understand that we’re in this together.  And so, our relationship works beautifully.

I’m feeling really stressed out lately with moving to SLO and getting everything situated.  I’ve noticed something about myself, too.  When I make a change, or a leap, if you will, I can’t be hasty about it. I hate feeling like the timing isnt quite right…. like when you’re waiting for a wave.  But when i feel prepared i’m like BOOM! I make that leap, or catch that wave with a big grin on my face and I don’t look back.  The right time is coming, Eva. I hope you can understand what I mean, I’ll be down there soon… please don’t be irritated with me, my ducks are almost in a row!

 So last on the agenda: whats with bad timing? And why do some situations feel all too familiar?  I think “bad timing” may not necessicarily be “bad”… rather, different than what we want, which is to say, what we want may not be the best thing for us.  And who really even knows whats best? I like what feels good; my intuition is usually pretty decent, but occasionally leads me astray. Right now i find myself in a situation that i’ve been in once before and although i’m trying to deal with it in a smart way, so that history doesnt repeat itself, i find myself constantly realizing how seperate the mind and the body are. My better judgement can easily take a back seat to, say, desire? Or something of the sort? While understanding that we can’t be logical all of the time, when do we draw the line? I think it’s when our decisions can hurt other people… and there you have it. I may have just given myself some very useful advice.

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Change, epiphanys, Friends, Growth, Home for the Holidays, Life, love

Nostalgia and Resolutions

Today I was thinking back on elementary school at Dunbar… back when I had a lunch lady coincidentally named Mrs. Cook (who still says hello and hugs me whenever she sees me), back when my best friends were named Annabelle and Jade and Rashell, when I would nearly blush at the sound of my own name, when i wore overalls and had the knobbiest knees you’ve ever seen…. I feel so proud when i think back because i really feel like i’ve become the young woman  I always wanted to be when I was a child.  My favorite stories were of heroines galloping with capes and noble steeds to foreign lands…. strong literary heroines constantly developed their adventures in my mind, and all the while i felt one of my own bubbling up inside of me, but my tiny body and shy mouth were incapable to set her free.  I don’t know exactly what happened somewhere in between then and now, but there were a few really important people in my life that challenged my shyness and helped my assertiveness and honesty take flight.  My sense of adventure, however, has always been.  It’s always nice to feel a sense that you’re on the right track… thats what i realized today.  My tiny little 8 year old self would love the person I am today.

And my tiny little 8 year-old self would lovethat i told the boy i had a gigantic crush on (all throughout Dunbar days) how much i used to adore him.  My good friend asked me if i remembered him, because he’s been doing really well at race-car driving, apparently.  My eyes lit up! OF COURSE I REMEMBER! Haha… anyway, i send him a message on his website telling him how cute i thought he was in 4th grade.  One time i got a little note of the same sort and it made me feel good, and so i really hope he takes it the same way and isnt creeped out! Not that i care, or anything….  😉

 Also, today i went through all of my old journals while i was packing my things for San Louis Obispo and it was pretty amazing. I feel like i should store them in a fire proof box or something. They’re so valuable to me, words can’t explain!  I have about 10 journals that document everything from my first day of middle school, to my first major kiss, first alcohol experience, first love (which by the way:  i should have know right away that he was a complete ass!), to graduation, and finally Japan. There really are a lot of things that you forget, i’m so lucky to have most things written down. And may I add that its turning into quite an interesting biography?

 Without further delay:

MY NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS!

1) Always be reading a book.

2) Learn to fake an English Estuary accent.

3) Keep the glass half-full.

4) Improve my body image.

5) Be more attentive toward my cell phone.

6) Stay focused on school.

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