Nineteen, San Luis Obispo

I Don’t Know What’s Good For Me

My mind feels really overwhelmed these days and I’m having a truly difficult time articulating my thoughts into words. Thus I begin, I will try my best.

What is cluttering my mind? Now, as in the past, I feel paralyzed by the amount of pressure that I put on myself. My procrastination is beautiful and tragic, and my mind begins to snowball. My plight is not so bad, but i see it as life-ruining at times, which is exactly what paralyzes me. I need to straighten myself out. I guess I am, and I have… and I’m proud of myself. That’s what I have to tell myself: I’m going to be fine.

Helping others fulfills me but I get so caught up in it that I often forget about my own self. My priorities are sometimes out of line. And that’s OK too.

My downfall is directing energy toward something or someone that doesn’t give back to me. This is a very abstract, vague concept but you must know what I mean. That’s why I love my friends so much, because they give back to me. Even though my number of “best friends” is laughed at… they are all truly “best” worthy. We’re closer than most and I’m lucky to have such quality and quantity.

I’m attracted to unattainable boys, and this is my flaw. Joey, for instance, never committed to me– he messed around, toyed with me and pulled me along until I abruptly realized the pattern of things, and the unfulfillment that I felt with him. I gave my heart and didn’t receive half as much in return. It was a learning experience. But why do I seem eager to do the same I never would’ve thought that again I’d be crushing on someone who had none of the same feelings for me. I’ve made myself as vulnerable as I’m willing to be with no result. What am I to do!

My friends are visiting this weekend!! Ahhh i’m so stoked. Just joined an online course, should be great. Its Health 101. Lauren’s coming tonight, I’m really hungry most of the time, my nails look cute, I just love my pearl ring. It’s my precious…

The End

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