I’ve said this in the past, but sometimes I wish that I had a blog no one that I knew read so that I could express myself without fear. When I first began this blog, the challenge I had to overcome was trusting that it was okay to put my thoughts into the open eye of the public. Of course, a level of censorship has to be maintained but I had a really hard time relaxing to the idea that anyone and everyone could read about my inner workings. Granted, I don’t entrust my deepest conflicts or emotions to my blog but one can tell, if only slightly, how i’m feeling.
It turns out I never hid my feelings very well to begin with! (Though i tried with all my might…) But how interesting that by the mere sound of my voice those that are closest to me know immeditaly that i’m distracted by my thoughts, or that I’m feeling lonely, or out of tune, or even that I’m lovely and that my face is glowing. I give up! Why do I try to hide?
I’ve neglected my private journal, which needs to change. I have too many emotions in my body and trying to decipher them all in a public space would not only portray me as a silly ball of whirling confusion and excitement, but it would feel entirely too personal and vulnerable for me.
I love the word vulnerable.
- Susceptible to physical or emotional injury.
- Susceptible to attack: “We are vulnerable both by water and land, without either fleet or army” (Alexander Hamilton).
- Open to censure or criticism; assailable.
I also love to make myself vulnerable, though it has been my greatest challenge in life. It’s rare for me to have the urge… truly rare. But I’m too passionate a person to deny myself the pleasure that comes from making myself “susceptible” if I so feel the desire. Especially since at this point in my life I know that I contain the capacity to accept either outcome vulnerability entails. It’s simple; inside, it feels like a “yes” or a “no.”
One reason humans tend to need religion is because it’s a “yes” vulnerability. They make themselves susceptible to Allah, or God, or Buddha or Genisha or whatever their god may be. In a certain sense, they give themselves to recieve more in return, but the intitial “leap of faith” is difficult. Difficult, yet rewarding because religion tells them “yes” your vulnerability has been accepted and in return you receive love and fulfillment. The difference in the phenomenon of vulnerability to religion and vulnerability to a person is that people are inconsistent, which is very scary.
My friend told me about her brother and his new fiance. When the girl met his mom for the first time she told her that she’d been on her own, she had her own house, own business, that she was able to stand on her own two feet, and that all she was looking for was someone who could simply love her. Simply? Simple love is also complicated, because if loving were simple we would all have it. But if you look again, perhaps reconsider: love should be simple. And it is. (Her fiance loves her in just that way.)
No stupid games of tugging and loosening heart strings, just vulnerability and acceptance. Consistency and continuity, unconditionally and without restraint.