What am I doing right now? What do I write? I have no idea. What is the matter with me…
I’m freting… I’m nervous about nothing. I’m sleepless for no apparent reason. I should feel exhausted right now, I’ve not been able to nod off until about 3 am or later the past few nights, and then I wake up before my alarm goes off. I don’t take naps Ashley I swear! I don’t. I’ve been exercising too… and yet I remain here, awake. Usually insomniacs look like this guy named Ashor that I used to know from Starbucks. Hair messy, eyes dark, face colorless, unfriendly, unhappy, unresponsive… It’s silly that I try to hard to maintain inconspicuous about my insomnia. I mean, I can say I haven’t slept, and maybe I don’t seem quite my cheery self, but who would really guess that the night before I had 3 or 4 hours? And also the night before that and the night before that. Or… maybe, I don’t fool anyone. Just don’t tell me that i look tired. The only thing worse than being tired is to be told you look it.
Today Eva and I went to see Amy play in her softball game and it made me really miss team sports.
I’ve been missing a lot of things lately… My sisters, my parents, Japan (a lot, actually. And I never thought I would miss it either…) I miss my Grandma a lot, too. Humboldt County… And I feel nostalgic for a lot of people. And the wonderful thing is that as I miss them, they’ve been contacting me. Hugo, Maria, Hunter, Max, there are more I know there are…
My actions lately have been desperate. I’ve never been one to appear desperate (even in the slightest) and I HATE this turn of events. I hate not knowing why I’m doing what I’m doing, or feeling the way that I feel. I must know.
In a certain sense I feel like, I got over this enormous heartbreak, I composed myself again, stood up tall, traveled through Japan alone for 2 months, and here I stand, I feel strong and independent and happy and I feel like myself and in this arrogant way, I feel like… I am deserving of love. Here I am, ready for it, and I feel frustrated that it’s not finding me. Even I know that love only finds you when you least expect it. I want to fall in love like Alice down the rabbit hole, only without losing sight of myself and my obligations. Is that possible?
But anyway, I’m going to paint pottery instead. I’ve been doing that a lot lately… it’s inexpensive and so, so relaxing and rewarding and it just makes me very happy. It “fulfills.”
Next week my girlfriends are coming to visit me!! I’ve known these girls since the 2nd grade, it’s so awesome 🙂 The only thing closer is sisters… but we ARE like family. For Gods sake, the second grade?! We’ve seen each other through everything… THAT is fulfilling too.
I’m really trying to be a good girl.
But honestly, I’ll be a bad girl for this guy…