Nineteen

#254 @ 12:57

It’s been a long time since I last wrote.  I don’t quite know why… I could say that I’ve been busy, but I’m always busy, I should make time to write… I normally have an urge to post! Just not recently I guess.  I feel very happy, nothing is really the matter–perhaps I’m distracted by sunshine?  

 

I tend to pull away from different things or people and go M.I.A. for a while. It’s not everything all at once, just one thing for a while, until I feel like reappearing. It doesn’t mean I don’t love the person or thing, I just have to disappear, it feels uncomfortable to stay too plugged in, tuned in, attached, dependant and possibly consist ant to any thing.  This is all on a subconscious level, I don’t do it purposefully but I’ve noticed this trend since I was little and I have to accept it.  And I think those that love me have to accept it too–I don’t want to change.

Regaining my sense-of-self after the inevitable loss-of-self during adolescence, I based everything on independence.  I didn’t think I’d find myself without being totally and utterly comfortable being on my own.  I was right, but I took this idea to its most extreme sense and now independence is such a vital part to my identity… I don’t know if I’ll ever be capable of a traditional relationship.  Or one of any sort, for that matter.  But then I catch myself giving advice that I should be taking… “when it’s right, it’s easy.”  And then it’ll get hard (most likely) but it shouldn’t be difficult to will yourself to love someone, should it?  Will yourself to love?  That sounds terrible!  I just have to try to have faith that it’s in me somewhere and when it’s right it’s right.

I’m laying in my bed right now next to my little sister, my tummy still feels full of strawberry shortcake and my legs are tight from the bike ride I went on with my dad yesterday.  I complained for the first part of the ride, and actually nearly burst out into tears as I exclaimed, “Dad I just really don’t feel like busting my ass up a hill right now!!”  My voice cracked and then I sprinted up ahead of him so that he couldn’t see my tears.  I was wishing Eva were there to give me a hug.  Alas, I did it.  I did really well, too… except for the last 100 feet of uphill that was so steep my legs could not get me up it.  So i jumped off my bike, pulled my shoes off and ran up the hill.  My dad just laughed at me the whole time, saying things about how I haven’t really changed since I was a little girl.  He took everything with such humor and ease, I couldn’t help but laugh at myself (mostly while he wasn’t looking.)  By the way, the view at the top was amazing… you could see everything.

John Mayer on  Wednesday.  WOW. WOW. Great balls of fire.  I’m wearing my new shirt right now,and you know what?  He’s a really great writer, a sensitive blogger and I’m not afraid to admit that I really want to find a way to somehow get my letter to him.  I do!

I love my little sister.  She’s great at listening, and I don’t mean listening to my stuff but listening to the lessons and advice I have to offer her.  She gets it, and she’s smart.  I could probably learn a thing or two from her.  Anyway, I redesigned this page, let me know if you think I should keep trying for a better layout.  I don’t quite know if this one fits but I wanted a new design to inspire inspiration.  I’ll write more frequently, miss you, love you, muah muah. G’night. Erika 

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2 thoughts on “#254 @ 12:57

  1. laura says:

    It’s good to see your still alive. Yeah, accept you the way you are. It is only painful if you feel your not important to the one who goes MIA.

  2. I’m sorry I hit a nerve. You might strike one of mine, too– if you wrote a blog post about how you dislike traveling outside of the north bay area, and to simply accept you for it. We’re both poor at some things, the trick is to be understanding and strive for a middle ground. Visit me some time, eh?

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