It’s been a long time, old friends. I’m back to my blog and I dare say it feels altogether appropriate to call this post “Introductions” because it’s been that long. I’m pleased that I left a formal goodbye post because now, returning to this blog feels more like a fresh start and less like an apology for not writing.
Why have I decided to write for you again? To be honest, I’m having a hard time. Life is nothing to complain about, but sometimes the going doesn’t have to be relatively tough to be hurting emotionally. I think it’s always important to keep things in perspective, which is why I feel like my woes are not substantial enough to complain about.
I’ve felt this way before, and that’s when I began my blog in the first place. Today I said to my Mom, “I’ve worked so hard to build a platform that would sustain me at, the very least, a decent level of contentment and happiness. Sometimes I guess that platform doesn’t withstand.” But after I said that, I looked around and noticed that the things, the actions I associated with maintaining this level of happiness had dwindled. When I transferred to USF last Spring, I stopped running, I stopped writing in my blog, and maybe rediscovering these things will help me climb out of the position I’ve found myself in.
The next few months will be hard. I’m struggling in school, I have a demanding internship with the de Young Museum and I’m really missing close contact with my sisters, my Dad and some of my best friends. I feel lonely in this nice apartment. I feel old demons around me, I’m sure you know what I mean. We all struggle with them sometimes. I don’t, however, feel uncapable or hopeless. I’m plodding along, trying my best, but somehow still performing below my usual standard.
I cry during Mad Men, during commercials, and once standing in line at Peet’s.
Yesterday I heard someone say, “When you die, you die in your own arms.” I think that’s less morbid than it sounds and in a hopeful way, it’s true. We, ourselves, are all we really have. There was once a point when I vehemently disagreed with this but now I see that it is true. Philosophically, nothing else is ours but ourselves. But we exist with one another and that is not something I overlook. We MORE than exist, we love and help one another.
Thank you for being my audience, I feel better already.