Blogging Round 2, Life, Thoughts

I Miss Jack Johnson

ITS BEEN A YEARRR since Eva and I did Warm a Cold Shoulder, our successful winter clothing drive for the homeless.  I can’t believe that a year has since passed and I’ve barely done a charitable thing since except for donate blood.  What has happened to meee??

It makes me consider the past year.  So much has happened, I’ve accomplished so much.  At this time last year I scarcely thought I would get into USF for Spring Semester.  I felt a yearning to be something more, and I made it happen.  Here I am; I got in to USF, I got an internship with the de Young Museum, I dated and dumped the asshole guy I adored forever (older readers will remember Salami Love) I spent the summer in New York City, I made friends all over the world, I helped put on a special exhibition at the Thacher Gallery, and I got a job working at another gallery….  Oh yeah, and I watched my hair grow.

Watching my hair grow is like cultivating my life. 1)  It takes feels like it takes FOREVER to cultivate, but then you realize the time zoomed by   2) It’s never long enough, it’s never good enough  3) I can’t seem to appreciate it in the moment and I’m always looking forward to the future (“I hate my hair now, but it will look good SOMEDAY it just needs a few inches” [I was saying this same thing 2 years ago.])  4)  The quality of it depends on little decisions you make every day.  For hair: food, water, exercise, sleep.  For life: food, water, exercise, sleep…. attitude, compassion, motivation…

In the midst of it, how can you be sure your decisions will lead to what you actually want in life?  How can you be sure that you won’t hate long hair and end up cutting it, despite the discipline it took to get there…  I guess in life, quite often we find ourselves right back where we left off.  The important thing, perhaps, is venturing out despite that possibility.  When you end up right back where you left off, you’re aren’t who you were the last time you were there.

So I’ll watch my hair grow another year, perhaps 2 years, and if I don’t end up liking it, I’ll chop it and know it wasn’t all just a waste of time.

Besos mi amores, xoxo.

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Death, inspiration, Life, love

Memoirs of My Grandfather

This is the last part of my Grandpa’s small memoir that he recorded before he died.  Reading the whole thing, I can’t say I knew him very well… but he and my Granny made a huge impression on me when I was young that I still think about very often, even today.  More on my Granny another time, there is too much for me to say.  Anyway, here is the excerpt:

”  About this time, that is, 1987 Tom met and married Laura Butler in Sonoma. Two beautiful girl twins (fraternal) came along eventually, (Ashley and Erika) to enhance our lives. They were followed by Claire who was as challenging as you could imagine.

In 1995 our consulting careers ended and with that our ambitions and, I believe, our pride and confidence. Health problems rule. Our friends are plagued by health problems.

Time passes remarkably fast, much faster than before. We run to stay in one place.

I have developed a philosophy which, I believe, is very simple; namely, the Ten Commandments condensed to avoid the religious references i.e. “remember the Sabbath to keep it holy,” etc. I am an atheist, not an antitheist. These are six items including “do unto others”, etc. I can run you a copy if you want one. Perhaps we need religion because we are all afraid of living.

Along with the above, I have adopted an attitude of forgiving myself for acts and words I regret to varying degrees including profoundly. It is very hard to do! Also, I value the things I DIDN’T say.

We seem to be alone, but many others around us also seem to be alone. We seem to be waiting for the unexpected and inevitable. (An oxymoron?)

Old people are a dime-a-dozen!  “

 

The last words of his succinct autobiography were, “old people are a dime-a-dozen!”

I was holding his hand when he died, I’ll never forget it as long as I live.  He was trying to tell me something, he tried writing it down (I still have that paper), he tried saying it but the words wouldn’t form into a sound… and then he finally gave up.  I try not to dwell on that and for the most part, I don’t… I’ve come to terms.  But sometimes the what-ifs get to me and I wish I knew what he needed to tell me.

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Friends, Life, love

He’s Just Not That Into You

The movie is coming out soon, Eva and I just saw a preview and got a little bit excited.

That phrase utters such truth!  You know, visa versa as well.

I usually don’t talk about my romances on my blog because I feel they deserve a certain amount of privacy, respect, and they certainly shouldn’t be broadcast on here for the world to see.  But this romance has ended (mind you: without any trace of the respect I might offer it by not writing about it on my blog.) so I feel I can tell about it.

Even though I love being single, I met this great guy who I felt a connection with, who treated me amazingly and with respect, and I thought these things would make it easy to be in a relationship.  It was fantastic for a short while, about 2 months, maybe less… I tried to be a great girlfriend, and I was thoughtful and sweet, but being someones girlfriend wasn’t what I wanted to be.  So I don’t think I gave him the attention and love that he gave to me, and it didn’t feel right.  

When the exchange between 2 people isn’t balanced, someone ends up feeling used and getting hurt.  And the more time passes, the worse the hurt feelings are.  When I realized my unwillingness to be in a relationship, I didn’t want to continue any further. So the night before I was planning on telling him this and, ultimately, ending the relationship, I replied to a text message with an acknowledgement of my recent aloof behavior. I said I’d hoped we could talk about it the next evening.  His response ended with the phrase that everyone knows,

“it isn’t working…”

In a text!  An act of which one could recall from the 5th grade, perhaps?  And then he refused to meet up and talk with me the next day, talk it through, end with closure and on good terms.  He said he didn’t want to invest any more energy into it because he’d already put too much time and money “and everything else.”

I’ve never, ever let guys pay partially out of fear of this sort of guilt…. this “debt owed” sort of feeling.  My friends and my mom’s friends always told me “let the guy pay, let the guy pay” and I finally listened…then.. this.  He chalks it up to time and money wasted.

So besides the fact that it was over anyway, all I’m left with is the thought that true character was revealed and I’m actually just pretty bummed on it. It made me feel like I was in middle school again, hurt by some playground jokes the mean girls taunted me with or something.

I could try to remain cordial in hopes of someday gaining a friendship, but I don’t want a friendship with him.  

I hope he learns not to be a fool willing to give more than he receives, and to control his defense mechanisms better. (Eva said, “it could be worse, he could have pooped on your front porch!”) He could have been a gentleman about it, too.

What an ASSHOLE!

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America, Barack Obama, Change, Democracy, japan, Life, love, Obama, politics, President

I Voted.

For me, tomorrow is the culmination of 6 years of frustration toward and interest in American politics, 2 years of careful reading and genuine interest in Election ‘O8, and 1 year since my “pilgrimage” to the Japanese fishing town of Obama (a milestone marking the beginning of my passionate campaigning for Barack Obama.)

SOOooooo…Today i made my pilgrimage! Thats right, I DID! And now youre wondering, ”How can a girl who isnt  religious made any sort of pilgrimage?” Well, if you know me, you know that i am close to religiously passionate about politics. And today, ladies and gents, I made the treck across the country to the opposite coast to the town of OBAMA. Beautiful, quaint fishing town with lush green hills, beautiful coastlines, and yummy sea food. They also specialize in luxury chopsticks, so i went ahead and bought Mr. and Mrs. Barack Obama their very own chopsticks from their very own Japanese fighing village. I fully intend on writing them a witty letter and sending them the chopsticks with some pictures enclosed as well.. It was a day to remember… and it was funny how everyone would react when i would express to them my desire for a train ticket with the destination Obama: a middle-of-no-where, nothing-to-do fishing town. ”why she want to go there?!”

I’ve poured so much into this election; inconceivable amounts of time, the money I could (or couldn’t) afford to spare… I made over 500 total calls for Obama or to remind people to vote. But the most important thing I’ve given has been what Barack Obama has asked for… above my time and money I’ve given him my HOPE.  I have poured all of my hope into this election–every morning I wake to a poster that says “HOPE”.  I don’t practice hope, or sort-of hope, I honestly, passionately HOPE SO MUCH that I truly, firmly BELIEVE.

The difficult thing for me to do is TRUST, but I’m trying really hard.  We have learned from the Bush administration not to trust… that we cannot trust our government, our polls, or our voters to make the best decision for our country and correspondingly, for the world.

Here I am… wearing my Obama gear, my “I Voted” sticker, sitting in front of the Obama poster in my room on the eve of what feels like one of the most important days of my life thus far.  

About 7% of voters are undecided… I wish I could scream “WHO ARE THESE VOTERS??!” but I may know a few of them.  Maybe they are torn between the beliefs they were brought up with, and what they feel America might truly need… or maybe they haven’t seen the light of day in 2 years and have no connection to pop culture in any way, shape, or form.  Today when I called one particular voter, her middle-aged daughter answered and said the woman I was looking for had died 2 months earlier… maybe people like that woman are counted as “undecided.”  (To clarify: they are undecided as to which candidate, not about whether they’re voting or not…? right?)

I’ve digressed. Anyway, I just ate my last chocolate chip, and it’s officially Tuesday, November 4th.  I feel more excited than I ever remember feeling on the eve of Christmas, or on the eve of a trip to Disneyland…. but the feeling is strikingly more mature and serious.  But this IS my Christmas, and it’s also my next trip to Disneyland… today means everything.  And I BELIEVE that my hope and efforts have not been in vain.  My glass is raised and waiting for champagne.

 

PS- More Halloween pictures will be posted on the 5th 🙂

 

Who ya gunna call?

Who ya gunna call?

n6422928_36622253_5583GHOSTBUSTERS!

 

 

Pin-Up Girls...

Pin-Up Girls...

 

I'm the CAPTAIN, no I will not bring you peanuts and a vodka tonic...

I'm the CAPTAIN... no, I will not bring you peanuts and a vodka tonic.

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Friends, Life, Nineteen, Thoughts, Women

“A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age.” -Robert Frost

I LOVE being a woman. I take huge pride in my place in the world as a female, and also enormous pride in my fellow fabulous females.  (Yes, this is a post-modern feminist diatribe.) I believe that any man who does not understand that the world does not turn without PMS is sadly forgetting or lacking something.  

My menstrual cycle is what makes me feel like a woman, it is the reason I have breasts, and it is why I have a no-longer-denied, innate desire to nurture.  It also means that I am not pregnant, which is good at this point in my life.  I also love my period because it tells me “hey, you can have little babies if you want to.”  Someday… someday (read: not now) I want babies.  

For now, my friends and I (who are in our physiological prime to procreate) can gush over babies in strollers at Starbucks, and talk about eventual motherhood while walking past a display of itty-bitty baby Vans in a window of a children’s clothing store.  Any male who is grossed out by the idea of a females monthly cycle needs to grow up…  This is how I feel.  Guys don’t experience it, they don’t need to see it, but the reap all the benefits from this monthly phenomenon… how lucky for them! So guys? Do not fear it, appreciate it as it should be.

 

I do not generally demand or expect sensitivity from males during that time of the month or any other time, for that matter.  For the most part, expecting sensitivity will most always leave you feeling let down.  BUT.  But, there are times when sensitivity and support from a male counterpart is necessary and expected.  This is why:

I work very hard to understand the inner workings of the male mind.  Contrary to popular female belief, their minds are not simple and they are not impossible.  Their thought process is best defined as straight forward. In order to communicate with most “man’s man” types it is important to spell it out to them.  They cannot read your mind, and they won’t know what you expect or want or are upset about if you don’t inform them–with some exceptions.  Exceptions? Yes. 

These exceptions are hard-earned because I stick my neck out to communicate effectively with the opposite sex….  I am easy to understand, flexible, understanding, cool, fun, I aim to please, and I’m not a jealous person.  What I’m saying is that I strive to be these things to make living on this planet with these amazing men more enjoyable.  In return for my efforts I expect to be met halfway.    Am I asking too much for boys to learn some sensitivity? Some thoughtfulness and manners? Learn how to cuddle, how to surprise us, and learn what is important to us.  After you learn what is important to us (it is different for every girl) you can help yourself by supporting us in those things.  

What is important to me?  My family, my best friends, my health, my sense of strength and independence, my constitutional rights, and my femininity.

This is me spelling it out.  It’s as simple as it gets.  Learn to have compassion for me about these things, or I will lose interest.

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Concerts, Fall in SLO, Friends, Life, Music, Sonoma

Samba Para Ti, Baby.

I went home last weekend to see Carlos Santana with my dad and one of my best friends:

 

 

It was a very quick, entertaining visit but I decided to come home again this weekend on a whim because I could catch a ride back with my best friends.  It’d been a hard week, and I could feel myself struggling to cope; nothing sounded better than spending some time with my little sister.  It’s been great so far, I love my little sister so much I think I might smuggle her back to SLO with me.  She’s been giving my pops some grief lately anyway, I don’t think he’d really mind.

I went to a high school party last night to surprise Claire, and I seriously felt like I was 16.  The cops busted the party and everyone went running off into the vineyards (how Sonoma, right?)  No more high school parties for me, “that shit was weak.”  Or maybe I just felt awkward.

This is my favorite girly movie, just wanted to share:

 

Also… another thing: I really like someone!  I met him a couple months ago, started dating him about a month ago, and I really care about him.  He’s amazing, you’d love him.  I think he’s sticking around a while so I thought I’d just say something about him on here…  but actually, I posted a picture of he and I dancing the first night we met.  What can I say?  A little weird, but I must have had a good feeling.

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beer, Friends, Life, Smile

Pop Music Baybeee!

I LOVE THIS GIRL!
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Last night running to try to get out the door with Eva to go to the Moondoggies end-of-summer/Keska’s going away party (Keska is the one that gave me Asher.  She has a twin sister named Piper and they rock.  Twins are rad.)  I ran up my stairs and kicked the inner stair SO hard that my toe nail basically came off.  Eva just saw me being crazy and she started laughing because I was acting so spastic, but I ran outside and I was saying “oh my god, I’m not okay, I’m not okay! I’m not okay!”  So Eve and Amy helped me patch myself up and I ended up going to the party with a big, silly wrapped-up toe.  I also ended up drinking a lot of beer and having a ton of fun, and calling McKenna to tell her that my toe nail said “bye bye, peace out, I don’t want to spend time with you anymore…” I got the hic-ups really badly, and wow. I’m just so silly when I’m drunk…!

School is going to be tough this semester, tough but good and I’m really happy.  I’m really happy!  I can’t remember being so happy.  Life is fantastic. Yumm.

Life is an amazing bed, a delicious sandwich, yoga and sunshine.

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