2013, NYC, Rheumatism

Champagne for Rheumatism

Yesterday I woke up an hour late and subconsciously sabotaged my morning in order to avoid the gravity of an important doctor appointment.

I arrived sweaty and tired, and my doctor asked how I was feeling. I calmly began to tell her that I had been in quite a lot of pain for the last week.  I could see a level of understanding in her eyes that both alarmed and comforted me. She told me that she was surprised I wasn’t suffering a bit more.  My blood tests look fantastic, aside from the fact that they came back positive for 3 different indicators of rheumatism. The finality of the diagnosis was jarring.  I listened and wondered why I didn’t prepare myself this morning and I felt a sudden urge to sob.  I held her eye contact with my teary eyes; I kept it together and when I left the hospital I cried a lot.

I think it’s fair to admit that a large part of me hoped that my condition would have been something silly like eating too many bananas, or high amounts of aluminum in my blood from the aluminum bracelets I wear every day.  I’m not kidding–a good part of me blamed aluminum.  I also kind of knew it was something more serious.

After I left the hospital I went to a puppy store and played with puppies.

I spent a day thinking a lot and I’ve settled on a thought: there will be more good in my life as a result this. I’ve found a new fragility–I feel more open and vulnerable to the world, more willing to accept love and help.  My mind is inviting me to be more in-tune with my body, to make decisions governed by health and living the best life rather than the most exciting life. It also invites more writing and reading, more champagne and art and cellos and drum&bass and dancing and fine dining and good love.

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2013, NYC

Corrupting the Youth

I haven’t posted in years.

I’m considering taking up blogging again because I’d like to use it as a platform to share with more depth than I allow myself on Tumblr.  I’ve realized, upon logging in a few moments ago, that this blog has become a time capsule of myself.  The “LOVE” page, for instance, is completely hilarious to me.  I find it endearing, like seeing a child you used to babysit who has since become a young adult. Revisiting my younger self make me reconsider invigorating this blog–I’d quite like to keep this time capsule as-is rather than corrupt it with my older, more revolting and less idealistic mind.

The truth is, I’m grasping for a way to stay sane because I can’t run anymore, and I can’t binge on carbs–both former coping mechanisms. I might have an auto immune disease, but we’re not sure.   What I do know is that I have something, some kind of illness that will require a major lifestyle shift and I’m desperate to make it as graceful as possible.

Decidedly, I’m turning to culture as a form of escapism.  I’m going to read books, write, make art, go to the ballet, the opera, the theater; I’m going to watch movies, go to workshops, talks, conferences, museums, galleries, open studios; I’m going to make salads in the same way that some people make cookies (inventively and constantly) and when I feel like stuffing my face with food I’m going to buy a basket full of fruit and when I feel like running I’m going to dance.

I have an important doctors appointment tomorrow with a rheumatologist.  Hopefully I can get a diagnosis and some medication for my swollen, achy bones.

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east coast, NYC, Travel

East Coast Combo

This is the first post from my iPhone. Usually I take much
more care with this blog than I do with my Tumblr blog, but now I
suppose i’ll have to begin treating this blog much in the same way
since I can post so easily. Right now my dad and I are beginning
our road trip from Syracuse, New York down to the Florida keyes.
I’m really excited about seeing the outer banks of North Carolina
and Savannah, Georgia. Oh… I cannot wait to see savannah. I
almost went to school there so that I could experience the south
and see the Spanish moss and the peaches and have a slow life full of wrap-around porches and sweet tea.
Once I figure out how to post pictures I’ll get them up here.

This next year will hopefully be an improvement on the last. My goals are remarkable but altogether attainable: I’m going to run the Santa barbara half marathon, study Spanish for a month in Madrid, study art for a semester in London with my good friend Hannah and get an internship with a prestigious gallery. I’ll try to do them all–I think I can. Some are contingent on things out of my control but such is life.

I hope my dad finds some level of stability this year, I hope my friend mike finds happiness after the death of his brother, I hope my sisters and I grow closer (not further apart), I would love to see my friends Michelle and Hugo again, and I hope I can keep growing my hair out..Haha.
Anyway, tonight my dad and I are installing flooring in the trailer and we’ll spend our first night in there. Should be fun!! Hope everyone had a fun and happy holiday season. Post soon. Xxxx

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