You were a great, great year. Its New Years Eve, my best friends birthday, and i’m brushing my teeth while i type this. Or, rather, i’m sucking on my toothbrush since i need both hands to type. I tend to do too many things at once. So i havent been home for over a week (except for the occasional stop-by to restock panties and other such things). This week has been amazing, and i just feel so happy doing my thing i can’t even tell you. I’ve spent the night at Rashell’s new place in the city, at Rayna’s place in the city, at Raynas home in SR, at Eva’s place in SR, and at my mom’s studio. I can’t really explain why at certain periods and times in my life i really cling to my friends more than anything. The great part is, they embrace me also and we find each other as close to family as anything can get. I feel a bit strange because my sister is here in Sonoma, home from Boston and i havent been hanging out with her very much. I guess its mostly my fault and i’m sorry for that Ash. But its hard for me to be home sometimes! And its not my sister that i don’t want to be around, its the home enviornment.How strange is this: as humans and family members, we can go off on our own, establish our own lives, find ourselves outside of the limits our familys give us, create a routine that we find works for us as an individual, and ultimately discover the person within us uninfluenced by our family and we thrive, yet as soon as we step into the family enviornment, it can feel as if we are 12 years old again. 12 years old and right back to the old family dynamics (the scapegoat, the black sheep, the “good girl”, the troublemaker, the “failure”, the fragile one… etc etc) Thats what can be so difficult for people and the Holiday season. Its nostalgic, and some of us don’t like to reminisce on the past. For some of us, it doesnt feel good.It used to really bother me that my little sister would yell, “…you love your friends more than your family!” But its become much easier for me to allow them to repeat the same old phrases over and over, and so I pity the trouble of it all and simply watch from another perch, in some sense. I guess what i’m trying to say is that its easier for me to stay out of it now, but it also really pushes me away when they go right back to those family dynamics. I don’t get into it, but i also cant be there and deal with it. I have to stay away from it, and i find myself in situations such as this where I havent been home in over 7 days! But what an amazing week its been, and oh how much i love my friends (not more than my family, let me remind you. But in a different way that feels satisfying and is also a lot for fun to be around.) Tonight is New Years… I’m wearing a black little number with curly hair… its like a sexy little cupcake type of vibe, should be fun. The girls all have adorable dresses and the party is at wes and adrians. We’re drinking vodka tonics and champagne, and i’m pretty sure this is the 5th or 6th year running… I think its my favorite tradition 😉 Soooo HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL! My next post will be my new years resolutions. I hope everyone has a great night and I hope this year is going to kick as much ass as I expect it to. Love, Erika
Its been a bizarre past few days here in Sonoma, let me tell you. Great fun, but wierd… mostly because the Holidays bring everyone together in a strange, “small-world” type of way. So if you decide to sneak to the store for some eggs at 9am, you can’t get through the situation any sooner than a half hour because you run into pretty much everyone and their mom. The town is crowded with familiar people, which makes for fun times and a generous amout of drama and gossip. Holidays in Sonoma are SO cute.
This past week i helped my best friend move into her new pad in San Francisco and its just really exciting! It makes me really want to get moving with my own, independent life… I cant wait to get a new routine and meet new people and live on my own. I love my best friend, too. Just thought i’d add that… she’s the best.
Last night my dad threw a dinner party with his Japanese students in celebration of Christmas and I invited a few of my friends over to join us. Five of us finished 5 bottles of amazing wine and wound up substantially shloshed. The rest of the course of the night is hazy, but i remember running barefoot down the street, having tyler pick us up, drinking hot chocolate and laughing a lot. GOOD TIMES!
Santa comes tonight, and i still need to finish wraping my presents. It takes me a long time because its like an art project to me; i adorn gems and bows and stickers etc. Its great fun, it really is.
I feel very pleased with my gifts for christmas and I feel like this is going to be a good one. I work tomorrow also, which is (in my opinion) great. I get to get out of the house, see all the people that i love and have a blast. Thats what work is like for me… i’m wearing a santa hat i think.
HAppy Holidays. I hope everyone is in good company and feeling loved because in the end thats all we really need…… but awesome gifts are cool too.
You know, its quite funnt that in Japan i took days off from my blog simply because there was TOO MUCH to write about; it made me feel overwhelmed. And now, i wish i had more to report! I have been so, sadly bored for the past few weeks… but i’m not giving enough credit to the happenings that have made life in Sonoma intresting.
Firstly, banana smoothies have become a favorite of mine.
Secondly, there is a boy that wasn’t quite my first kiss, or quite my first love (though i care about him very much), or even quite my first boyfriend that deserves to remain as my “first” something simply because he has always been special to me. Anyway, I just read about him in the newspaper because he went to jail for being an “accessory” to a murder and I’m pretty upset about it. In my heart of hearts i just can’t imagine it and i hope some day the boy that i care about so much becomes that person again.
Here’s the link
Thirdly, MY SISTER COMES HOME TOMORROW!!! No words can describe my happiness. The tragedy of seperated twin sisters will, for a short time, no longer be.
Lastly, i registered for my classes in San Louis Obispo. I’m taking Endurance Training, Sociology, Journalism, and English 1-A. YES.Thats all for now. Be safe out there; accidents within the Holiday season are doubly painful and harder to forget.
Part of me would like to get a new blog so that no one that i know reads it. I want to say some things that i feel bad saying, and i might prefer if i felt safe from hurting anyones feelings… but im going to continue with this one and work though it like a challenge.
Tonight i spent the evening with my mom and my “women” friends drinking wine and talking about cute firemen and designer purses while celebrating a birthday. It was one of those times where you step back from the situation for a moment and think, “how did i get here?” or maybe, “WHAT am i doing here??”
In a way I felt honored to be sitting at a dinner table talking with such socialite-type of women, and i rather enjoyed the gossip and the “ohmygod!” and the sharing of diamond rings, and the sometimes horribly caddy behavior, and simply the funny way women talk– we are SO emotional!
“You know, Cindy brings up a really good point and i just feel like, you know, I have REAAALLY nice furniture; like, this isn’t Pottery Barn. And I just want to cleanse my living space. Like, the house i’m looking at right up the street is SUCH a downsize and it would be SO fabulous if i could sell this house with all the furnishings so that i can start anew, you know? Like, minimalist–and i’d put in the tennis court and a swimming pool but, like, my style has changed and i’d really like a more costal, new england type of feel.”
“So my girlfriend and I went to the city and had this phenominal lunch and a few glasses of wine, and the bill was $250, but it was totally worth it because it was raining out and i said, “If i were a lesbian i would be SO into this!” It was so romantic! Oh my god! And we both had permission to buy real Louis [Vuitton] purses and i was like “if we just got a room and took a nap and, like, messed around it would be so sexy if i were a lesbian!” Most romantic day of my life!”
So thats enough of making fun of that– i actually had a really good time and i really like schmoozing. I’m good at it too, just maybe i’d like the more intellectual type of crowd? Who knows.
Anywhoo, last night i spent the night in the city with Mo and Ray and Glady and i just freaking love doing that because my girlfriends totally kick ass. And i’m stoked for our annual winter shopping spree where we shop all day, pay our parking ticket, smoke a couple bowls in our car before we leave the garage, go eat dinner and then party all night in our cute new clothes. Its like the 5th year running… best day ever.
Ashley comes in 5 days…Eva too! and Tyler! its super late… i need to wake up and work out and actually get some stuff done tomorrow.
PS- Tucker Max needs to rot in hell, i’m glad he knows it. I dont think i would care if he were slowly tortured on live TV. But I’d rather him catch an extensively drug-resistant form of tuberculosis AND HIV and spend the rest of his life locked away in a hospital solitary confinement cell wondering why he wasted his life away so carelessly. I have such a long list of problems with him that i don’t even know where to start…. just Google him. Maybe it’s the Grendel Complex, though. Maybe since he knows that no woman could ever love him (even without the repulsive stories), he’ll at least make everyone hate him so that they feel some sort of emotion toward him besides apathy.
Moving on to……..
CUSTOMER OF THE DAY!
Ariyon is a fifty-something lonesome hippie-type who recently had her birthday party in Starbucks (a suprising amout of people showed up). She has a really low, scratchy voice and she always wears tons of jewelry and funky clothing. Her drink is a Venti extra-hot latte with whole milk and no foam, and also a cup of ice water. Shes’ totally in love with a fat, greasy, balding old man named Ontario who claims to be a noted Astrologist and metaphysical-type. They sit in Starbucks for hours on end, usually in the evening. One time they both came in wearing wolf masks and sat working on their laptops for 3 hours WEARING WOLF MASKS. I know that she lives in a tiny house with only a wood stove and that she takes singing lessons… Though she is strange shes a kind soul and she means to be the best person that she can be. Some are in a different spectrum and its a good thing or else i’d be bored with wealthy, alcoholic women.
Everyone should see Zeitgeist.
Bullets on Thoughts:
1. I’ve become obsessed with a book that a friend gave to me called Bryson’s Dictionary of Troublesome Words. A Writer’s Guide To Getting It Right. I reccomend it.
2. I belong in a big city with a Weimarener.
3. People seem to think Sonoma’s climate is responsible for the abundance of good wine but i know the truth. The truth is that the good people of Sonoma who were here before vines were became so totally, completely bored with their lives that they decided to direct their energy toward making excellent wine so that they could bottle it up and save it for the long days when they found themselves so totally, completely bored that all they could think to do was drink lots of wine…. so cheers to that.
4. I eat a balanced diet, i exercise, i’m not pregnant, but i’ve only had my period once since May. Anyone? Anyone?
5. I want what i can’t have, and i struggle with rejection! Rejection… i hate & i need to get over that, or maybe get used to it?
6. At work yesterday, i remembered a mans drink who came in one time 4 months ago but i can’t remember to go to my dentist appointment or drop off movies at Blockbuster.
Tomorrow the city with Mo, i’m stoked.
Now for something new:
The Daily Starbucks Customer!
My first profile is about Dave. Dave is a witty, thirty-something, southern bachelor who drives a nice car and loves his dog. He comes in most evenings for a grande latte with 1 splenda, a new york times, and a sandwich for dinner. Even though i like giving him a hard time, I find him very charming and attractive and i often wonder why in the world he’s single. Dave is tall with grey, smiling eyes and a bashful grin. He likes me because i laugh at his jokes and i like him because he always has a thoughtful compliment for me. His ongoing joke is that he and i are married; he calls me baby and always asks me whats for dinner, what time i’ll be home or if i need anything at the store. Though its a bit strange, i hardly discourage it and secretly find it quite sweet!
last night i took a bath around 11, fell asleep and woke up at 12 curled up in 3 inches of lukewarm bath water when my sister flug open the bathroom door and nearly gave me a heart attack. Then she got me a towel and wrapped me in it like our parents used to do and sent me off to bed. oddly enough its not the first time thats happened to me!
I woke up this morning at 7:30 because someone was ringing the doorbell as if in the event of an emergency… by the time i stirred to consciousness, threw on some clothes and took for the door our bi-monthly cleaning lady already had the vaccuum plugged in and ready to go. uhhhgh. So, i skipped out of her way and took refuge at the gym for a while.
All of these rude awakenings seem so unplesant but the truth is i’ve never been happier in my life… i’m a little bored but its cooooool.
I want to take a roadtrip to the Grand Canyon really soon (as in within the next 2 weeks) and i’m like, “well i guess if no one wants to go with me i’ll just go alone!” but i really wish i had a travel buddy, i’m tired of traveling alone. I’m not afraid to admit it, not too proud. You know, we all need intimacy after all.
“Stop reading for a moment, and imagine that you are going to die in one minute. The last things you are going to experience are reading these pages, sitting in this room, thinking and feeling what you are thinking and feeling right now. This is the end of your life…You have no time to write a note or make a phone call. All you can do is experience what is, right now. This is a very simple exercise, but it is quite profound. It brings you into presence very quickly. You stop fighting, you stop needling, you stop being concerned with physical comfort, you stop wanting, you stop achieving, and you stop maintaining. Enlightenment, attainment, realization, all become meaningless. You are just present.”
I read that in a magazine as i was sitting on the edge of the bathtub waiting for Eleanor, the little girl that i babysit, to finish brushing her teeth before i tucked her into bed. I was biting my thumb nail and Charlie Browns Christmas was playing in the background, filling in the quiet that is a small house on Patten Street. I glanced up, practicing the exercise, and thought of the loveliness of my day playing mommy (cutting apples for her and her playdate, walking the dog, helping her with homework) as i watched her oversized polka dotted nightgown gather and sweep on the tile floor. Her cute brown bob tilting from side to side as she meticuliously scrubbed each tooth in her intelligent head.
I caught my own reflection in the bathroom mirror and liked the way I looked; brown hair swept across my face, bright green eyes, my complexion looked fresh and happy sitting relaxed, beaming in my favorite red hoodie with my magazine and my pedicure and my sweet little Eleanor. It felt so simple and pure and, had it actually been my last moment, I would be content (though also worried as to who would make Eleanor’s turkey sandwich and drive her to school in the morning).
Last week someone asked me, with a sharp tone in their voice, like Napoleon Dynamite… “So, like, do you feel all mature and smart after ur Japan trip? Er waht?” The way that they asked the question told me they wanted me to say “No”, like if I said “YES, the world is such a big, amazing place how could I feel the same after leaving the luxurious corner that is Sonoma?” it would confirm their fears that there is, infact, much more for them to learn.
Everyday I see the same young woman pushing a baby in a stroller and carrying one on her hip. Shes a small, delicate girl who i recognize because she only recently graduated from Sonoma High School. She’s amazing! Even though shes so young, she looks so happy with those babies. She makes me feel pity for a fleeting moment, and then I realize that some people are much more simple than I am. Not ordinary, but simple, and able to enjoy routine and the world they are familiar with.
The truth is, I feel more myself than ever– and more mature (thats for the person who, with their tone of voice, convinced me to deny it.) Why is it that we seem to lose ourselves in our adolescence and spend our early adult years reclaiming what we lost? I’m luckier than some, to feel i’ve found it again, and yet some never really lost it. I admire those people, and I find myself attracted to them. My sister is one of them.
Lately I’ve been grateful of my luck. I’m one of the luckiest women in the world to be born in California–I can do anything, I have the world in my hands. I hope I can live it in such a way that i can share my success as a person with women who have fewer options than i do. Many cases, no options. I know nothing of hardship, and for that I am grateful. I have no hardship to account for! Whats a highschool heartbreak and a few sports injuries amount to in the world, other than small things that have helped build my character? This worry can be easily dismissed by saying “Its all relative.” My character is my only fortune; the same goes for all of us.
At this time in my life I simultaneously feel that i know a lot and that I know absolutely nothing. Apparently somewhere around my late twenties-early thirties I will realize that i know nothing. Why do people tell you to anticipate things like that? What a horrible epiphany to try to anticipate.
I end with 2 quotes that I found recently. They are seperate, but i like seeing them together:
“Well, I have no complaint with life. So why cry?”
“What is to give light must endure burning.”
Even suffering is meaningful to life! Why cry when burns can be turned into light? I see it as life giving us the exact ‘teacher’ we need, at the very moment we need it. From every parking ticket, inexpressable joy, and every breath. Its all beautiful and important to the big picture, even the ugliest most inhumane acts are important (once committed, that is–but they could just as well be done without in the first place.) Its all a lesson learned, and I take it as such and then move on.
This is me typing to myself, forgetting that others will read this… I didnt mean to sound preachy, typing just helps to straighten the thoughts in my head…
Its kind of lonesome in this house, watching after little Eleanor. Domestic bliss doesnt seem right without a strong, warm body to share it with. And my next post might be about timing… or rather, bad timing.
I hope that some day someone will get to know the softer, more conservative side of my personality. But thats for another time,
g’ night babies, sweep tight dont let tha bed bugs bite 🙂